The Grass is Always Greener: Dealing with Attraction to Unavailable People

Dealing with Attraction to Unavailable People

It might seem like everyone else in your life has no trouble locating people of the opposite gender who are ready and willing for a relationship, people who are available. And for you, maybe it’s not so simple.

In our fallen world, there are plenty of reasons that the people we’re attracted to might not be available for a relationship— emotional brokenness in need of healing, an un-annulled past marriage, same-sex attraction issues, and the list goes on.

So what’s a good Catholic to do, when it seems that every person you’re attracted to, every person you can see yourself building a family with, is out of your reach?

“The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants”

Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

Or does it?

People throw this phrase around to try to sweep heartache like this under the carpet and say that there might not be any fix for romantic inclinations that are less than ideal. But as faithful Catholics, we should look deeper.

Probably the main reason that things can get so sticky and complicated when it comes to matters of the heart is that there are so many factors involved in the question of attraction to potential life-mates.

Consider all the competing considerations that come into play and influence what might make you attracted to certain people: Your desire for a happy marriage, compatibility of two personalities, physical attraction and sexuality, and your longing for emotional fulfillment, just to name a few.

So obviously, the often-used descriptor phrase, “It’s complicated,” can be pretty apt. And matters are further confused by the fact that we live in a society that tells us emotion reigns supreme. Our unvirtuous counterparts are often living their lives based on feelings and just disregarding those factors that make someone less-than-ideal for romantic involvement.

But the fact of the matter is that love is a choice, and it’s up to us what we do with any attraction we might have for someone.

Take an Honest Look at the Situation

Honest Look at the Situation

It’s important that you realize immediately when you’re attracted to someone who is unavailable. Realize it, and act.

Let’s look at an obvious example. You have a coworker of the opposite gender with whom you get along smashingly. You look forward to seeing him or her every day. The two of you make a great team getting work done, and you have a blast doing it. And this person is not too bad to look at, either.

But they have a ring on their finger. As in, a wedding ring.

As Catholics, it’s pretty obvious that this person is off-limits to you romantically. The rest of the world might look for some gray area, but we know that the person’s marriage trumps anything we might feel for them. And the best course of action on our part would be to try our hardest to disengage emotionally as soon as we realize we’re attracted, reduce time spent with them if possible, and start working to guard our hearts against emotions that can go nowhere.

But then there are situations that aren’t as clear-cut. Maybe the person just has their issues to work out and could be available sometime in the future. Should you wait around for them, in the hope that you could have something truly wonderful with them someday? No.

If you are in a place where you’re actively searching for someone to spend the rest of your life with, and the person you’re attracted to is not, it is best to treat it as a cut-and-dry, this-person-is-off-limits situation. Of course, if the person isn’t actually married, there’s not the same potential for sin in the situation, but there is still a very similar possibility of heartache for you if you carry on with fruitless hope.

Take an Honest Look at Yourself

Honest Look at Yourself

Becoming attracted to someone unavailable can happen to any of us. But if you notice it becoming a pattern in your life, it might be time to get to the bottom of it.

Are you having trouble disengaging emotionally in those initial stages of attraction to unavailable people? Especially if you notice yourself hardcore falling for people you could never be with, you should probably examine whether there is something in particular in yourself that’s causing it to happen.

Ask yourself whether you might have some ambivalent feelings about marriage or perhaps some past hurts from serious relationships gone awry. Is there some part of you that is afraid or hesitant to actually enter into the kind of serious relationship that could lead to marriage?

If a deep look inside reveals that you are struggling with something that’s contributing to this pattern, you just might need to seek some help from a counselor or priest to resolve emotional issues that are standing in your way.

Take the Issue to Prayer

Issue to Prayer

As with all things in life, prayer will help. It won’t make everything perfect, but it will definitely help you get on the path toward a less troublesome future.

God wants us to be happy. He might be allowing these crosses in your life for your ultimate holiness, but His plan does involve you finding happiness. So ask Him for strength, ask Him for direction, and give your pain and your struggles to Him.