Hi Michele,
I recently read two articles you posted with questions from two different women asking about why it seems older men want to date younger women? Can you send them my profile? I don’t want to meet younger women. I want someone near my age or a couple of years older! I am 48 and my profile says I want to date women between the ages of 40 and 50.
Everyone says they want to meet the honest and caring guy. That is me. Then why don’t they respond to my emails? What am I doing wrong? I had one date tell me that I would make a perfect partner for someone but she didn’t feel the chemistry. I don’t believe that chemistry has to be in the first few dates. Am I wrong? I feel that if you like each other, the chemistry can grow.
From a “nice guy’s” perspective, I’m getting tired of dating women that only want to see what they can get out of you and then drop you when they tire of you. Any suggestions?
Signed,
One Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
Thank you for your letter. It’s always great to confirm that nice guys do exist, and they exist in every age range. I would image that you are likely mature and stable, since you are looking for someone with similarities in life experience.
You are not doing anything “wrong.” Continue being yourself, since you are telling me that you are honest and caring. Your strength of character will draw the right woman to you, and sustain you in a healthy marriage. Chemistry can build over time, so I always suggest that you give it at least 3 dates to see if the “spark” is there. If there is a spark, then you can build on it. I once dated a man for 2 years that I would not have picked out from across a crowded room, but he became more attractive the more I knew him. However, I also believe that you have to be attracted to someone if you want to be romantically involved, so the chemistry does need to exist at some point.
Chemistry is that “magic dust” that is hard to put our finger on. We are likely attracted to people who have the same characteristics of our parents, both the good and the bad. If we desire to find someone that has qualities that we want but don’t feel we can ever have, then sometimes we are attracted to people that we “aspire” to be. We also have a tendency to repeat old patterns in the hope of a different outcome, so sometimes we are attracted to people who are either unavailable, unwilling to commit, or overly needy. None of this is conscious in our mind, but it can drive who we find physically attractive.
So here’s the good news: the more emotionally and spiritually mature you are, the more mature woman will be attracted to you. “Be of the Light and the Light will be drawn to you, and the darkness will turn away” is a biblical principle. If the chemistry isn’t there, it may be for good reason. It may be that you don’t fit some of the more dysfunctional or even immature needs of the other person.
Dating is tough, honestly. It’s a mixture of hope, waiting, reason, timing, chemistry, and above all else, trusting in the Lord. Keep leaning on your faith, keep looking to Him to fulfill your desire for closeness, and remember that He must also prepare your mate to be ready to meet you.
Thank you for your letter and God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
