Dear Michele,
I’ve been told as a single Catholic man, women like to be pursued. A man should take the lead, take the initiative, and show interest. Women have told me I should pursue. So, after a few “E-mail” messages (the kind I send on my CS membership), if I think we’re getting along nicely, I always tell the woman that I want her to feel safe and comfortable, and I wish to respect her boundaries. Then I ask how and when she would like to advance the level of communication. After all, internal E-mail messages alone do not a Catholic marriage make!
This approach has been a 100% failure. I NEVER get a straight answer to that question. At my age, EVERYBODY is busy. But then that begs the question; “What or where are your priorities?” I have seen so many women lamenting how there aren’t any good Catholic men “out there.” HELLO?!!! I’M RIGHT HERE!!!
So, Michele, what am I missing? Why do so many women say they are looking for a good Catholic husband, but then when someone like me shows interest, it’s “I’m busy” or “My dog died” or “My goldfish needs a haircut?” (ha, ha) Any thoughts?
Signed,
Should Men Pursue?
Dear Should Men Pursue,
I think you have the right message: many women, and most Catholic women, liked to be pursued. Women who like to be pursued see it as a way to know that a man is interested and is willing to put forth the effort to spend time with her. When a man pursues, a woman feels desired and special. When a man pursues, a woman begins to trust that he is willing to bring the relationship to the next level of commitment.
It sounds like you want to communicate those same things when you pursue a woman. What isn’t working? It may be in the approach. The catch with pursuing is that sometimes you have to read the subtle social cues to know if a woman is truly interested, and those cues are harder to decipher over email. Wouldn’t it be nice if women would just tell you how interested they are, or if they want to continue moving forward? Yes! Does that always happen? Sadly, no. We must recognize that dating is a dance, a ritual if you will, that comes along with it’s own implicit expectation of how to both lead and follow your partner.
If a woman is interested, she will respond quickly to your emails and with some detail. She may also ask you questions about yourself or inquire about information on your profile. A feeling of reciprocity will exist, so even though you are pursuing, she is actively responding. A person who takes days to respond or only gives short replies without showing interest in return may not be interested enough to talk on the phone or meet.
The idea that you want to respect boundaries and make a woman feel safe does not have to be stated explicitly, it can be shown through your behavior. See, the problem is, the men that want to blow past boundaries say the same thing. Crazy as it sounds, a woman could see you statements about wanting to be careful and prudent as a smoke screen for being the exact opposite. Like I said, dating is a dance, sometimes the music changes quickly and it’s hard to find the beat. I guess the best indicator is an approach that is failing 100% is an approach that you should consider dropping. So what can you do?
Continue to pursue, but look for the signals in return. After emailing back and forth several times, it’s completely appropriate that you would request a phone conversation. Don’t feel as if you have to defend why you are asking. Especially on a dating website, people know that the intent is to get to know someone and eventually spend time together, even if it starts out as friends. If you do what you say you are going to do and your words and actions are the same, then will be on your way to building her confidence in you and your character.
We all have reasons that we say that we want to meet someone, but then choose not to date someone who is interested. Sometimes it’s just not a good match. Some people fear getting stuck in the wrong relationship (known as fear of commitment), even at the same time we really want a commitment. The other side of that coin is pursuing only people who are emotionally unavailable. As a good Catholic guy, you desire a woman who wants to be with you. Don’t settle for a woman that doesn’t respond. If she’s not available, then move on to the next one. Make sure you are looking at the profiles and you truly match what she may be looking for.
I would encourage you to keep looking, keep emailing, keep pursuing. You are only looking for one special lady, and it’s likely she’s waiting for you to find her. As with all of our life’s plans, be sure to take your pursuit to the Lord. Ask for His guidance, and then take the time to listen. Ask the Holy Spirit for the gift of discernment.
God Bless you in your quest to find a mate. May you take solace in knowing He has promised to answer the longings of our hearts.
Michele Fleming, M.A.
