Hello Michele,I have been single now for 3 years and feel that I am ready to start a new relationship. I am a member of several good catholic dating sites and there is a great deal of good men. However, so far I have not yet been successful in establishing any relationship.
My concern is that I have noticed that I get attracted to or attract unavailable men.
I am talking about men who are in relationships, homosexuals or emotionally unavailable. As soon as I realize it, thank God, I pray to be healed and freed. My ex was unavailable on so many levels, although single and heterosexual.
I am just wondering if there is something wrong with me or if it is normal to find yourself in such situations in the dating/ courtship process??? I would really appreciate your perspective on this.
God bless you,
Attracted to Unavailable Men
Dear Attracted,
I am so glad to hear that you have identified your pattern. You have taken an important first step! Consider yourself as receiving the gift of discernment, as the Holy Spirit is answering your prayers to not only to free you but also to give you the eyes to know that you need to be freed. If a person does not have insight, then change cannot happen.
And don’t wonder any longer, there is nothing “wrong” with you. It is common to find that you are attracted to unavailable men. However, since you want to establish a more committed relationship, it’s not a “state” that you can remain in. Becoming involved with unavailable men is the best way to remain single.
I would suggest your journey now needs to turn inward. It is possible that there are factors outside of your conscious awareness that are driving you away from your goal of being in a relationship. You may need to enlist the help of a trusted mentor, clergy, or licensed therapist. I found that writing letters to God accompanied by time in prayer can also be very helpful.
A few things to consider: Is it possible that you have ambivalent (both good and bad) feelings about your parents’ marriage or the marriage of some of your close friends? You may be avoiding or denying your “bad” feelings about marriage. Is there a part of you that fears “settling down” or “getting stuck?” You may fear what it means to be committed, even though you are wanting someone to commit to you. It could be that at some level you may like the challenge of “winning” over a guy that is not available. The competition for male attention might feel familiar to you? Possibly replaying a situation you experienced as a young child for your father’s attention, or dynamics that developed during your teen years. Do you have an “unspoken” belief that men are likely to abandon you? If so, you may be attracted unavailable men in an attempt to “heal” your fear of abandonment, but then of course in the end the characters change but the ending remains the same.
A very good book I can suggest is “Safe People” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It will help you explore the internal beliefs that may be leading you to unavailable men, while at the same time giving you some great guidelines to identify behaviors that are consistent with people who cannot be trusted, before you get involved. With a commitment to an effort towards growth and a willingness to look at things that may be painful or unpleasant, along with a close connection to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, you can change your current course and start finding men who are willing and able to commit. Please know that you CAN change who you find attractive. Jesus tells us to “be of the light and truth,” and those that are of the light will be drawn towards you. Thank you for your very honest question.
God Bless you in your journey,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
