Hello Michele!
I feel like I am mythical creature. Something you just read about or hear about. But here I am in the flesh writing to you about it. Yup as subject of this e-mails states, I am almost reaching the ripe old age of 30 and I have had no boyfriends since birth. When I pray about it, I always ask God if maybe that his greater plan for me is to serve him as single person. But on the other hand, why do I have this longing to be someone’s life partner? I always imagined myself as having my own family.
Now this boils down to the question, and fear, how undesirable am I? What do I do to show them I am interested? How can reach out and find that special one?
Signed,
No Boyfriend Since Birth
Dear No Boyfriend,
I am smiling at the style of your email, and let me reassure you that you are not a mythical creature. It may be helpful to know there are other women that are going through your same experience, I’ve had both friends and clients at your age that have not had a significant relationship, yet. But either way, I can hear the pain you are experiencing.
I have always thought that if God has put the desire in your heart for marriage and family, then He is calling you to that vocation. You can trust that He wants to answer those desires. But, the question that still remains, is when? And none of us have that answer on this side of heaven.
I also believe that the longing in your heart is a good thing – as it will be transformed into immense gratitude when you do find the right relationship. It also will likely help you treat a relationship with great care and respect. In fact, this time of being single may be God’s way of preparing you for the purpose He has for your life, and the relationship He wants for you.
For now, your longing is serving to propel you to examine what factors you have control over that may be contributing to your single status.
What are those factors? I want to start by addressing your fear – be assured that your desirability is not measured by your status of being with someone or not. God has made you unique and with great dignity – you don’t want to insult His creation. I want to suggest the possibility your dating pattern has been functioning properly, in that it has protected you from getting into the wrong relationships.
What can you do? A process of self-examination may be helpful. Do you tend to be attracted to men who are emotionally or otherwise unavailable? Do you want the man that every-other woman also wants? If so, you’ve found a great way to remain single. Do you experience anxiety at the thought of someone being interested in you? If you believe you are undesirable, then what does it feel like when someone may actually find you desirable? Does becoming involved with someone in an intimate, physical way concern you? Are you critical or overly suspicious towards men? Is there a history of infidelity in your parents’ relationship, or is there another area of your life where you may need relationship or sexual healing? What comes up for you when you think about men and romantic relationships in general? This is just a few ideas, without knowing more about you. I would encourage this self-examination with the guidance of a trusted clergy, mentor, or therapist. You can also do this work between you and God, through prayer, meditation, or journaling.
How do you show that you are interested? On this site, you can send a smile. In the “real world,” a real smile still works. Your time and attention is a good start, like being intentional about running into someone. When in conversation, listening and asking questions about the other person always works well.
How to find that special person? Again, being on this site is a good step. Joining a young adult or singles ministry is a great idea. Not one near you? Drive to the parish that does. Or, start one (that’s how I met my husband). You can ask your married friends to introduce you to single men. But more importantly, be the person you want to meet. Want to meet someone who is outgoing and likes outdoor activities? Then get involved doing exactly that. Want to meet someone who has a passion for the arts, or helping others, or involved in a church or political movement? Then get busy doing those things. Always wanted to do something, like go back to school, or travel, or even move to a new city? Then don’t wait – make it happen for you. Want to meet someone who is authentic, religious, kind? Then be that person.
This is likely just starching the surface, my prayer for you is that you will claim the beauty that God has designed into your life, and that you will continue asking questions that move you forward on your journey of self-exploration. Always knowing, God is in charge and you can trust Him. Remember, there is always enough time to meet the right person.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
