We talk a lot about the successes of online dating and for good reason! We want you to know that it is possible to find and connect with someone online and have a healthy and lasting relationship.
But sometimes, there are some less-than-successful stories that come up when exploring online dating. As the saying goes, you’ve got to kiss (or look at the online dating profiles of!) a lot of toads before you find prince(ss) charming.
Even though you may encounter a less-than-perfect online dating experience with someone, that doesn’t mean those online dating horror stories are a waste. There is actually a lot we can learn about successful online dating relationships by looking at the experiences that didn’t go as well as expected.
Here are a few online dating horror stories and what we can learn from them.
They just weren’t a good fit
A guy, we’ll call him Z, went on a date with R, a woman he met online. They met at a restaurant and R figured out Z was a vegan by what he ordered. R was really taken aback by this! But instead of sticking through the date, R made an excuse that her sister was in labor and left immediately. They never spoke again.
What can we learn?
It’s okay to have different lifestyles, and it’s also okay to decide that those lifestyle differences mean that a future relationship just isn’t going to work out. However, the polite thing to do here would be to finish the meal and then say that it was a nice date but no more are wanted.
Don’t just walk out on someone for a difference like this!
Insults aren’t the way to her heart
M went on three dates with a guy, H. From the beginning of their dates, she was clear that she moved slowly when it came to emotions. She also was honest about saving sex for marriage.
After those three dates, M said that she didn’t want to start a relationship with H but would like to be friends. He waited a few days before texting her back on Valentine’s Day.
Read more: How To Keep Conversation Going Online
When H did text M back, he insulted her personality, fashion, appearance, and her ability to “open up”. The ironic part was that H wouldn’t engage in small talk so M never felt comfortable opening up to him on a deeper level.
What we can learn?
Small talk is a huge part of gaining someone’s trust and learning about them. If you can’t open up on a small or surface level, there’s no way you can be trusted with deeper and more intimate topics.
Additionally, don’t insult someone. It only makes you look like a jerk and confirms to the other person that you’re not someone he or she wanted to date anyway.
If someone insults you, for whatever reason, don’t return the insults. Just walk away. People like that do not deserve space in your life or even your head! In fact, this is a dating red flag.
Too nervous to talk
After meeting each other on Twitter, G went on a date with L. They had been talking for a little while. For their first in person date, L invited G to go to the lake with his family for the day. Once there, though, L was too nervous to even speak to G much and instead spent the day ignoring her and talking with his friends and family instead.
Needless to say, there was no second date.
What we can learn?
It’s okay to be nervous! However, don’t ignore your date. You wanted to be with him or her, so get to know them better!
Find something small to engage your date in, involve her in group conversations, anything! A helpful tactic here is to remember (especially if you’re on your own turf or on a group date!) your date is at least as nervous as you are and maybe more. Ignoring your date just makes him or her think you’re aloof, feel very isolated and alone, and that you don’t care about her.
Here are some conversation starters to help you out.
Don’t refer to someone as damaged goods
T started talking to a guy through a Catholic dating website. We’ll call him D. One night while they were chatting online, D asked T if she was a virgin. T, a little put off, answered yes.
D then asked her how far she had gone with a guy. T answered that she had only kissed boyfriends before and didn’t plan on doing anything else until she was married. D went on a rant about how good that was and how glad he was that T wasn’t “damaged goods”.
What we can learn?
It’s okay to set ground rules and boundaries and to be open about what you are and aren’t looking for in a relationship. In fact, that’s really good. But asking sexual “how far have you gone” questions is completely inappropriate for a conversation before you’re even dating.
Treating people like the sum of their actions or just like a package of goods, rather than as a person, is contrary to the Gospel.
Have some tact!
E thought her relationship with B was going well. They had been on several dates and never had any problems keeping the conversation going. They had common interests and goals, and they even had some mutual friends!
One day, E and B went to get ice cream together. After the date, E said that she had a really great time. B deadpanned, “I had an okay time.” E was so flustered by his comment that she left and never spoke to him again.
What we can learn?
Tact is an art, but one you should know how to wield! Honesty is good but you still have to take the other person’s feelings into consideration and do your best to cause as little damage as possible.
Here are some ways to end things that will be respectful and direct.
The ghost of exes past
K went on a date with P, who she met online. For the entire date, the only thing A would talk about was his ex-wife and how bad she was. He even called his ex names!
K asked A how long they had been separated and, after some hemming and hawing, A fessed up that he and his wife had only been separated for a week. K did not pursue any further dates with A.
What we can learn?
Breaking up with someone hurts and we need to give ourselves time to heal. There are a lot of great articles on CatholicSingles about how to know when you’re ready for a relationship again, but here are two to get you started: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself and 12 Clear Signs You’re Ready to Start Dating. You can date after a breakup or divorce, but make sure you’re not taking out the old relationship’s problems on your new date.
The cultural divide
A went on a date with V, who she met online. V was originally from Germany and had recently moved to the United States. On their date, V couldn’t stop talking about a challenge rally in Europe that he was very invested in. But A didn’t understand what he was talking about at all.
After that, V kept pestering A about her supposed “lack” of dating experience and could not grasp why Catholicism and American Catholicism made certain aspects of dating more difficult. He also asked her what the hardest drug she had tried was, which was none for A, and that bewildered V.
A did not accept another date with V after that and he eventually moved on.
What we can learn?
It’s good to share your passions with your date! But not at your date’s expense. Don’t push something he or she is clearly uninterested in or can’t understand.
Likewise, it’s never okay to pester someone about their dating experience. You only get experience by dating, so don’t scare someone off just for this!
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