Dear Fr Jim:
I am a 47, going on 48 year old woman. I have never been married or had children. I am not sure if it is physically possible for me to still bear children and although I love children I am not sure starting a family at my age is a good idea for me or for the child. With this in mind would I be able to marry in the church? I am a practicing Catholic and a Eucharistic Minister. There are no other issues that I am aware of that would prevent me from marrying in the church, but the issue of children is a concern to me. I desparately want to find a soulmate/best friend and husband. If I marry now, knowing I most likely would not attempt to have children, how would that affect my standing in the church?
Thanks so much for your question. I can imagine this being a difficult issue, one that is emotionally and spiritually challenging, so hopefully I can be of help.
The most important thing to begin with is asking what makes a Christian Marriage? In terms of Catholic theology,when a couple exchanges vows or consent in the wedding, they are intending to enter into a permanent, faithful and a fruitful union. So we should point out that children are not the only purpose of marriage, as some mistakenly insist, but the openness to having children are one of the three aspects that are essential.
That being said, you’re making some valid points in terms of saying – taking into account your age, questions in terms of physical ability to bear children. The Church has often said that being open to the possibility of children does not mean that having as many babies as is biologically possible. Nor is the reverse true – that if a married couple was unable to have children, that doesnot make their marriage invalid.
So I think we’re getting to the more difficult question that you’d have to pray and talk about with your fiance. How do you deal with your own concerns and questions in light of the Church’s teaching? Being open to having Children can mean a lot of different things. Perhaps you’re not going to attempt to have children, but if you were faithful to the Church’s teaching on the marital act of sexual intercourse, (not intentionally trying to exclude the possibility of children through contraception, sterilization, etc) I would think that is one way that you’re being faithful to the Church’s teaching while at the same time dealing with the reality of your own situation – the legitimate fears and concerns you have.
I hope that is helpful. Please let me know if there’s any other question or if that doesn’t explain the Church’s teaching adequately enough.
God Bless,
Fr Jim
