Dear Michele,
My ex-boyfriend is a very devoted Catholic, also very kind and compassionate to other people. But when it comes to romantic relationship, he is a mess. He can’t make up his mind whether he wants to be single or married. While he professes his love for me frequently and cares about me, he has a fear of rejection and arguments. When we have disagreement, he has the tendency to withdraw for 1-2 days. Many times the withdrawal concludes with a sudden e-mail telling me that he’s better off being single and that we should just be friends. Every time he came back to me 1-2 weeks later telling me that he missed me a lot and wanted to get back together. I have reached a point where I don’t want to give him further chances. During our latest “breakup” he said that he would get some help from a relationship counselor to sort out his issues. Would counseling help him? Should I give him another chance if he does go for counseling?
Another thing that bothers me is that he still maintains ties with one ex-girlfriend, ties closer than I would like to see. They have known each other for almost 20 years because of work (he is a full-time employee and she works part-time). They were in a relationship for 2-3 years but broke up at least 10 years ago. I feel uncomfortable because she knows a lot about him, past and present. My ex always claims that there is nothing beyond a professional relationship between them. I also feel that this ex-girlfriend is somewhat jealous of me. Is it reasonable for me to ask my ex-boyfriend to cut off all interaction with this ex-girlfriend outside of work, as a condition for us to get back together? Or is there a better solution?
Signed,
Should I Get Back with My Ex?
Dear Should I Get Back with My Ex,
I know it must be very confusing and hurtful to be in a relationship with someone who is struggling to commit. I can hear that you love him and respect him, but at the same time each person must be equally dedicated to the relationship in order to make it work.
It does sound like your ex would benefit from counseling, but it would need to be on his own terms. To attend counseling just to get back together with you would not be as fruitful as him attending for himself. People struggle with commitment issues for many different reasons. Sometimes we are negatively impacted by messages we received about marriage from our parents, or the experience of a difficult marriage between our parents. Some people have lived through a painful divorce as a child, or see their parents have multiple partners. Or, and I must say this, sometimes the person they are dating is just not the right one. I have dated men who would not commit to marriage, and then married the next person they dated. My husband dated a woman for 3 years before we met and they broke up because he would not commit. We were engaged within a year. Sometimes one partner just can’t move forward, and he or she might not have a specific reason why, their gut just says “no.”
I normally like to say, if you break up, it’s for a good reason. I am not a fan of “going back to the well” unless major changes have occurred. One is counseling. Another is passage of time where you can see growth in emotional maturity and ability to commit. But at the same time, you must focus on what you want in a relationship. Are you happy being with someone who has a history of walking away? Are you willing to take the risk in a long-term marriage, or even years of dating, that in the end he will not be able to make it through the rough periods? How long are you willing to wait to see change? These are questions you need to ask yourself, in the quiet of your heart, in communion with God. Listen with your own gut. I know you care for him, and you probably hear about how hard it is to find someone, but at the same time, what do you deserve? Do you deserve someone who is crazy about you and can’t wait to be with you? Do you feel you are worth that? Are you willing to hold out for it?
And finally, I included the part of your letter about his ex because I had a similar question from a member in a previous blog. I think your comments explain very well why staying in touch with ex-partners is not a good idea. Of course, you cannot ask for a change in employment, but asking for boundaries outside of work sounds very reasonable to me. Is he willing to protect his relationship with you as much as it he protecting his relationship with his ex?
I know it’s a lot to think about and it’s a very difficult process. I broke up with an ex, then got back together and engaged, then broke off the engagement, then got back together, and then finally broke up for good. I’ve been there, it’s stressful and painful. I can tell you that dating the man that became my husband was a TOTALLY different experience. He was clear that we wanted to be with me and only me. He called when he said he was going to call. We talked out issues. Yes, we had arguments while dating, but they never included walking away from the relationship. There was a peace about being with him and about his level of interest and commitment. Once I experienced what a true courtship is meant to feel like, I don’t know why I settled for any less. My hope and prayer for you is that you will be able to put boundaries on your wish for a relationship so you may wait for the man that wants to win your heart, if he shows up as a new and improved version of your ex, or someone totally new.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
