Dear Michele,
I am new to CS and I joined the site in hopes of meeting a great guy who is Catholic that I can connect with and have a meaningful relationship with. I haven’t been on the site very long, but I have messaged a few guys and I see that they have read my emails, but haven’t replied. It’s like they can’t take 5 minutes out of their day and send a simple “Sure I am interested” or a simple “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested” reply back to me. It is so frustrating. Here I am putting myself out there and being honest and real and it’s like the guys I’ve messaged aren’t considerate enough to reply back.
Why do some of these guys never reply back? And what can I do to ensure a reply?
Sincerely,
Tired of NO Replies
Dear Tired of NO Replies,
I can hear your frustration and disappointment in not hearing back from guys that appear to be a good match for you. The challenge in the online dating world is that you don’t talk to someone before seeing a lot of information about them. The benefit of online dating is that you have access to a larger pool of men, who share your faith, then if you tried meeting people out in public. Another benefit is that both of you can see very quickly if there is an issue that would prevent a future relationship from moving forward.
A few ideas. Is there anything in your profile that might put-off a potential suitor? Sometimes the intent might be to sound lighthearted or humorous, but when reading your profile the other person could possibly misinterpret your statement. If you were at an event and were able to make eye contact, the intent would be much clearer. Are you contacting men that fit within your stated demographics? Are you checking their profile to make sure that you fit within their demographics? (Meaning age, if you want children, if they want to marry in the church, etc).
Those are the basics. The specifics are much harder to answer. I will suggest that some men prefer to be the one who pursues. I know it is very “old school” to suggest that a woman cannot show interest in a man, and I am supportive if you would prefer to contact men. It’s just one more element to consider, as each person has their own preferences. When you are willing to put yourself out there, you are also opening yourself up to the rejection of not hearing back. If a person does not respond, it means he is not interested. Sounds harsh, but I men deal with that reality every time they approach a woman.
However, with that said, I chose to post your question in the hopes that it would inspire both men and women to be more authentic and compassionate in their online dating etiquette. It is completely reasonable to expect a simple “not interested” or “yes, I’m interested” reply. I think a lot of people find it hard to be that direct. I like the terminology, “I don’t see a match.” However I believe that both men and women don’t reply because they don’t want to be hurtful, and they don’t want to open up a conversation with the other party responding “why not?” Are you sending messages or just a wink? I’m not sure that a wink requires a reply back. Of course if you want to try to get a response you always have the option of asking him to reply to your message, even if he’s not interested. There is no way to ensure a response, but that might help.
The first few stages of meeting someone can be very difficult, because you don’t get to ask “why” and you can’t always read someone’s intent. Just know that you are in the right place for finding someone that shares your faith, and if God has put the desire in your heart to meet someone and marry, then He has a plan to fulfill it. It’s the waiting is so hard, but know that He is also there to stand by you and offer you the comfort and companionship you are longing for.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
