Dear Michele,I am a very socially active, well balanced person but I do have some health challenges that I feel are important to tell a potential dating partner so that they can decide whether they want to continue the relationship openly. But I am never sure how soon is too soon to tell someone? There have been people I have told that react kindly but in way where I know they just want to take care of me, and I am looking for a true partner not a caretaker. Then there are others who know that it is too much for them and have decided not to continue the relationship. I have found a happy balance before, but it is rare and I feel vulnerable dating again knowing I will have to tell someone my issues.
My friends tell me that if the person truly knows me that I am they will know that my health issues are not a burden but rather an extension of the strength of my character – but I still struggle with not knowing how soon to be honest with someone versus how soon is just too much information for a new relationship. Any thoughts?
Sincerely,
Too Soon?
Dear Too Soon,
I have received several emails regarding how soon to tell a potential dating partner about personal issues, such as health, family, or money concerns. It can be a tricky road to walk, because I hear that you want to be authentic but at the same time you don’t want to overwhelm the person. How to handle the timing of your disclosure is a personal choice, but we can consider a few guidelines.
First, you want to make sure that you are disclosing to a person who is emotionally safe. This means that you have seen in this person an ability to be empathic, kind, and considerate. If you feel that your health concerns, or any concern, is deeply personal and you’d rather it not be shared elsewhere, then you’d also want to make sure that the other person can maintain your privacy and not discuss your situation with others.
Then, you have to balance an assessment of the person’s character with the timing of the disclosure. A first date is likely too soon. A third or fourth date may bring you enough information about the other person for you to have an idea of how they will handle it. It depends on how much intimate disclosure of personal information has been shared on those dates. If the dates and the conversation has been light, then it may make sense to give it some more time. You may even choose to wait until there has been a discussion of dating exclusivity. And, you want to consider how much you are interested in this person. If you feel that your interest is peeking quickly, you may want to consider letting him know before you get to emotionally invested. If you are still figuring out how you feel, then you have some time.
It sounds like you have a very healthy perspective on the challenges you face. You have a positive outlook and I have a sense that this challenge is a part of who you are, but it does not define you. I agree with your friends, the right person will see your health concerns as something that the two of you would approach as a team. The not-right person may walk away, but isn’t that what you would want? How long does it take for someone to really get to know you? It’s different for each person. To know your dreams, your goals, your thoughts, your values, your plans for your life. All of those things are much more important than your health concern. A good guideline may be to feel comfortable sharing those aspects of your self first, and then you may have found the right person who can be the type of partner you are looking for.
I would imagine that this challenge might have, at one point, challenged your relationship with God. It may have even made you question your faith at some point. And, from your email, it sounds like it has made you a stronger person. Continue to lean on your faith and above all pray, even in the moment, asking if the timing is right to share yourself with a potential dating partner. The small whisper you may be able to hear from our Lord will always keep you headed in the right direction.
Hope this helps,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
