Dear Michele,It has been 10 months since my divorce was finalized, a divorce I did not want. I packed up and left the state and moved back to my hometown where my friends and family live. It has been rough starting over, and if not for my great supportive family it would have been harder. My question is, how long before I should start dating? At times I feel like I should but then again I don’t know if I am lingering in the divorce or trying too hard to start over. I just don’t know. Next question : my ex said from the beginning he thought “once I get over the divorce we would be best friends again”. In one way, he is my children’s dad, and it would be nice for them if we were best friends, but then again I believe he wants me around when it suits him after 24 years of marriage and then just walking out? He calls to chat but I just keep it short and about the kids. My children won’t call him back or answer his texts, or email him until I ask them too after he calls me to complain that he can’t get in touch with them. Am I doing the right thing at this point to keep my contact with him minimal as only necessary?
Signed,
Waiting to Heal
Dear Waiting to Heal,
You have been through a major life transition, not only the divorce but the move and the process of starting over. I commend you for the absence of bitterness in your email and your focus on the future. I know that it can’t be easy and you likely have worked through a lot of pain.
As far as dating, there isn’t really any set “right” time, it’s something that you need to feel in your gut. It also depends on how long the divorce took to finalize and the circumstances around it. There is always enough time to allow yourself to heal. Don’t feel pressured to get back out there, it’s likely that you are still in the process of readjusting your life and rebuilding a new sense of identity. When you start to long for an intimate romantic relationship again, then you will be ready. But, it’s also not a black and white decision, you can always put your toe in the water and then take a break if it doesn’t feel right. One way to start dating again is to go out in groups and to consider meeting new men as an opportunity for friendship and companionship first, rather than jumping immediately into the romantic deep end.
Speaking of friendships, it seems that as you heal it would be very difficult to remain “best friends” with your ex. Friends talk about their dates and other lives, and I just don’t see how that could be healthy for either of you. From your description, your husband may want the benefits of a good relationship with you but may not understand the responsibility he must take for the decision to divorce. At the same time, a friendly atmosphere to your interactions with him, especially in front of the children, would be beneficial for the entire family. He may be your children’s father, it sounds as if your children are grown and are young adults themselves. Which means, you may need to step back and allow your children the space to craft a new way of relating to their father. They too have to renegotiate what it means to be “in relationship” with him. If the children were younger, your friendship with their dad would be more important. Right now, it sounds like everyone is re-working what it means to stay connected. There are no right or wrong “ways” of doing it. If it keeps you at peace, then setting a boundary around your interactions with him to remain friendly but not deeply engaged sounds like a healthy decision. You have the right to claim the amount of interaction you want with him, and so do your children.
Taking the time to consider how you want to date and how you want to interact with your ex is important and prudent. It is also a step in reclaiming your life and your relationships on terms that you are comfortable with. I commend you for your bravery (although you may not feel brave at times), and hope that this transition continues to bring you peace and healing.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
