Dear Michele: Getting Close Again After Divorce

Hi Michele,I have been divorced for 6 years, and I am free from any emotional connection with my ex-husband. I am “one man” woman, and even though I am free to be with someone else it still feels very “wrong” to be with another man. I can still have a very nice time with a date, but I am putting “walls up” as soon he is interested in me. I can’t get over these feelings. It is impossible to hide it from my date either.
Thank you,
Dating After Divorce

Dear Dating After Divorce,
If we just looked at the time since the divorce, then it sounds like there is an expectation (from either you or others) that you should be ready for a new relationship. But healing from divorce depends on more than just the passage of time. It can mean redefining your own identity and identity of your family, grieving the loss of the marriage, and moving into a future in a way that you never planned. Healing from a divorce is not something that is easy, and it never follows a simple path. Reforming relationships is complicated and flows differently for each person.
So at first, I would give yourself permission to be ok with where you are. Your gut is telling you that you are not ready to get involved with someone beyond companionship. Many times people decide not to remarry for many years, and sometimes not at all. If that is what you decide, then it’s a healthy decision for you.
If, on the other hand, you desire to date and become close to someone and your feelings are preventing you from doing so, then examining the fear or concern that is causing you to push others away would be an important step before trying to date seriously. The loss of the trust and security of the marriage can be traumatic, and even though its been 6 years there may be some part of your experience that still needs to be processed. We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge, so becoming aware of exactly why you put “walls up” is important. Those walls are protecting you from something, keeping you safe inside while at the same time keeping others out. Find out what’s behind the wall, work at restoring that part of “you in relationship,” and then when you’re ready you can start working on bringing the walls down.
Becoming romantically involved again is a very personal decision. Don’t feel pressured to do so. If you feel that you want to, then guidance from a trusted friend, clergy member, or Catholic therapist can help. You didn’t mention if you have explored getting an annulment. If that interests you, it could be a very healing process and would allow you to remarry in the Church if you desire. Your marriage vows meant a lot to you, as you are living them the way the Church teaches, so again, whatever you feel comfortable with is the right thing to do.
Remember to be patient with yourself. Silent time in prayer or mediation is always helpful to unveiling what might be hidden even from ourselves. Journaling or writing letters to God can also assist in healing. Ask Christ to come into those parts of your heart that need His healing. And above all, remember that you loved by Him exactly how you are. You don’t have to “do” or “fix” anything about yourself to be treasured and adored by our Creator.
In Christ,
Michele Fleming, M.A.