It’s never easy to know what to do with yourself after a breakup.
You may be confused as to why your relationship ended. Or maybe you want to start the healing process, but don’t know where to begin. You’re sorting through negative emotions, and may find yourself reaching for self-help books to sort things out.
You’re not alone if a relationship breakup leaves you reeling.
Recently, I saw a conversation in the Catholic Dating section of Reddit about emotional pain and relationship discernment. A man shared about how he went on two dates with a woman and he felt strongly attracted to her.
But despite his hopes for their future together, she told him that she didn’t think a romantic relationship was in their future.
A few short months later, he ran into this woman again. They talked briefly, and now he can’t stop thinking about her.
Should he try reaching out and see if she’s interested in trying again?
There’s no denying that breakups suck.
But the advice other Catholics gave on Reddit can give anyone grieving a breakup some good insight into how to look at future prospects with a person who ended a relationship.
1. This breakup was probably for a reason
If you find yourself feeling excited about someone who previously ended things with you, think back to that unpleasant moment when they ended it. What emotions did you experience in that situation?
One Reddit user tells the original poster that, “the best advice is not to try to start up a relationship again since she already told you that she didn’t see it going anywhere.”
The original poster mentions that, despite how enamored he felt with this woman originally, she didn’t seem to feel the same way about him. She told him directly that she “didn’t see the relationship going anywhere.”
A statement like this doesn’t leave a lot of room for misinterpretation.
If nothing dramatic has changed in your life or their life, it’s probably safe to assume that the reasons they didn’t purse an intimate relationship with you are still valid, and that their feelings haven’t changed.
2. Are you over-romanticizing things?
The poster does admit from the get-go that he might be inadvertently over-romanticizing the situation in his mind:
“Not helping is the fact that I’ve been reading a Catholic romance novel… in which the relationship didn’t get off to a good start and they disconnected for a few months, but over time they reconnected and things got better. I know it’s fiction, but it’s hard not to imagine the same happening for me.”
Whether you happen to be reading a romance novel or not, it’s easy to fall into the trap of imagining happy but unlikely scenarios for your yourself, especially if you’re in the middle of the grieving process surrounding a painful breakup.
One Reddit user cautions him about this: “Those of us who’ve been ‘in love’ before, but heartbroken, know first hand that it seems like everything is right with someone and if this or if that, then all things will be happy. That’s just not the way it works…
“You can feel completely ‘yes’ for someone and they will feel ‘no’ for you, and it’s like quicksand. The more you think about this confusion, the more it mires you, and it traps you in fantasies and dreams. It traps you in ‘the ifs’. It gives you just enough hope to keep yourself mired.”
The reality is that unlikely romantic scenarios can indeed happen to us in real life. But we can’t force them to happen to us. Wishing for things to go a certain way won’t make them go that way.
3. You deserve someone who is excited about you
The original poster describes the time he ran into this woman again in this way:
“I approached her and we talked for a bit. She was friendly and introduced me to her younger sister whom she was with, but didn’t seem super eager to talk.”
There’s nothing in this description that should be a basis for romantic hope with this woman.
She didn’t flirt with him and didn’t even seem excited to have run into him. She seems to have merely been acting politely toward him.
A couple of other Reddit users give him some cold, hard truth in their advice, regarding her apparent lack of interest and his hope for another date with her:
“No. Full stop. The interest is too obviously 100% unilateral.”
Ouch.
But despite the harshness of this response, there’s quite a bit of truth here.
Another user responds similarly: “Hard no. Get this one out of your head. She seems to be at a completely different place in her life.”
Again, a little harsh but still true. This poster goes on to say:
“Dwelling on someone like this blocks you from thinking about someone else who’ll lead somewhere. You deserve to think about someone who thinks about you, and I don’t get that feeling whatsoever from this one. I think she wants to be nice and polite, but she isn’t interested.”
This point is important to consider. By allowing yourself to dwell on possibilities with someone who is almost certainly not interested in a relationship with you, you can become distracted from others with whom there is real potential.
Another Reddit user sums this point up nicely: “Move on, God has a different girl in mind for you that you will feel the same way for x 1000 and she will feel it back.”
When you find your heart wandering toward hopes for a relationship with someone who has already ended things with you in the past, do your best to reign in your heart.
You deserve much more than someone who feels only half-hearted interest toward you. You deserve someone who is excited about the possibility of a future with you.
Ready to start dating after a breakup?
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