Dear Michele,I am a 30 year old lady who has been in the heart of church activities for a long time. I want to get married, but I don’t know if I should, I see our priests as such good examples. But, imagining myself in it and how to choose the right partner has been a nightmare.
I’ve had relationships in the past, but I always find myself in the arms of a married man. As a Catholic, I feel terrible to be involved with married men, but my heart tends to give in so fast. I end up disappointed when I go back to my values and realize who I am.
When I decide to stay out of a relationship I find myself having lustful thoughts and sometimes acting on them when I am alone. It seems like I just can’t win. Maybe I should just give up and remain single?
Signed,
Should I remain single?
Dear Single,
It sounds like you have several struggles going on. First, let’s start with the idea of remaining single for the kingdom. Choosing a consecrated life, or a life devoted to the church through chastity and remaining single, is normally a call that is put on your heart. It sounds like you have a heart for Jesus and His Church, but I’m not sure I hear you being called to remain single in order to serve Him. Remaining single simply to avoid bad relationships is not the same thing. I hear that you want to imagine yourself married, but you are very disappointed in how your dating life is working.
So, when you do try to date you end up with married men. Why does this happen? Of course without knowing you I can’t say for sure, but I do have a few ideas. It’s clear that you have mixed feelings about being married. A part of you longs for it, but another part seems afraid of it. The part of you that wants to avoid commitment becomes attracted to married men. Think of it, it’s the perfect scenario. You have an admirer, a lover, a friend, who makes you feel special and “chosen.” At the same time, you are free from the possibility of marriage. It may not be something you are doing consciously, it may be happening outside of your awareness. From my experience, married men who are looking to cheat are very good at seducing. And I don’t just mean sexually, they seduce your mind and your heart too. The attraction can actually become more powerful when it is hidden and secret. But regardless of the internal motivations, you are aware that you are committing a sin, harming his marriage, your heart, any children that may be involved, and harming your relationship with our Lord. So no matter how enticing it may seem, in the end it is disastrous and painful for everyone involved, including the innocents.
I hear also that you are struggling with your sexual self. Your sexual desires are normal and natural, they were designed by God. Right now, those desires are misguided so they are actually drawing you away from Him. I would image you are feeling guilty and shameful, which likely don’t help propel you towards a healthy, holy sexuality.
What to do from here? To break the cycle of shame, I would suggest reconciliation, if you haven’t gone already. Confess all of your sexual sins, and your sins of the heart. Give them over to Jesus to heal. Start working on your relationship with Christ, before you consider a relationship with a romantic partner. Spend time with Him. Talk to Him. Listen to Him. Continue serving Him.
And then, start working on yourself from the inside out. Find out why you are attracted to married men. Look for books on the subject, talk to a trusted mentor or clergy, and highly consider talking to a Catholic therapist. Be open with yourself. Are there events or situations from your childhood that may be influencing your fears of marriage? The part of you that wants to get married and the part of you that doesn’t want to get married need to start talking to each other. The goal is integrating the two parts so you may be whole.
Next, start practicing chastity. I use the word “practicing” because that is what it is. It doesn’t come easily or quickly, it doesn’t come all at once. Find others who want to live the same lifestyle, there are a lot of resources on Theology of the Body study groups, books, seminars, CDs, etc. to help you. Commit yourself to chastity. Learn how to give your sexual desires over to the Lord, rather than indulging or denying them. You must accept that you have a sexual self, one that can be healthy and holy regardless if you are single or married.
Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. Many good, faithful Catholics struggle with chastity and dating people who are married. This does not make you a bad person, it simply means you have areas in your life you need to start working on now. Christ does not condemn you, so don’t let anyone else. But He also wants the best for you because He loves you so. He doesn’t want to see you continue struggling with this sin. Lean on Him, reach out to Him, let Him support you in your struggle and journey towards the life He has designed for you.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
