Dear Michele,
I am sharing my personal experience on this site. While living on the West Coast, I met a woman who lived in the East Coast. We exchanged phone numbers and start communicating outside this site. She seemed like a very devout catholic who’s goes to church everyday. She was working and attending school. We really clicked and I felt that we made for each other.
Then, a few months later, she told me that she had lost her job and had no money to pay rent. Since I was financially able to help her out, I offered my help, which she happily accepted. We talked on phone everyday for an hour or more, but she never encouraged me to fly out to meet her and never made any attempt to fly out to West Coast to meet me. I trusted whatever she wrote me and whatever she told me.
After almost 2 years, I stopped sending her money and she disappeared. I lost my faith in human beings, how could she treat me that way? What I can do to restored my faith, and find an honest catholic girl and settled down? Why is it so hard to find honest person?
Signed,
Any Real Catholics Left?
Dear Any Real Catholics Left,
You have been through a devastating loss. Not only did you loose a relationship, you lost your footing on what is real. I would imagine you are questioning if all of the time and emotional intimacy was really shared on her part. I can understand why you would be confused and loosing hope.
It is sad to say, but yes, on any online dating site sometimes people lie about who they are and what they are looking for. It is the fallen nature of human beings. I’m sure as you know by now, it is impossible to really know who someone is without spending face-to-face time together. An online relationship is not a “real” relationship because you only see the parts of the other person that they choose to show you. It’s like a prolonged first few dates. Even if it feels as if you are in love, you may actually be in love with your idea of who the person is, and not the actual person. And of course, when you send financial support, then it becomes even less clear if the person is interested in you or in your money.
What can you do? First, you must set some boundaries about how involved you are willing to become before meeting someone. I would suggest limiting the amount and frequency of contact for at least the first 3 months until you can meet face-to-face. Your phone or email communication should support your person-to-person interactions, not replace them. Second, I would refuse to help someone financially who you have not met. Adding money into dating relationships can be very tricky, and especially when the relationship has started online.
You may also want to take some time to explore how you found yourself in such a vulnerable position. You sound like a kind, caring, and compassionate person. It may be that you trust too quickly, which can be driven by hopes of finding someone. Consider not allowing yourself to get too emotionally involved until you know who the other person is. This means not only spending time with her, but meeting her friends, seeing where and how she lives, and potentially meeting family. Talk to friends or a trusted mentor about your level of involvement with someone, if you don’t feel you can accurately judge it yourself. Make sure that there is no deception in your life, refuse to tolerate lying in yourself or anyone else. Remember, those of the Light will be drawn to the Light, and those of the darkness will turn away. The more truth, authenticity, and honesty you have in your life, the more you will attract the honest person you desire. Make sure your relationships are brought into the Light.
I want to assure you that real Catholic women on this site. I hear from them all the time, wanting to simply get to know an honest Catholic man. Sadly, you can’t rely simply on what a person says, you must look at her life and her behavior towards you. I want to encourage you to keep looking, keep praying, and reserve giving your feelings away until you know you have met a woman that wants the same thing you do: a solid, faith-filled marriage.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
