All Catholic singles have experienced the moment when a well-intentioned friend makes a comment about our lack of relationship. But despite their attempts at encouragement and offering hope, their comments often fall flat. If you are no longer single, it’s important to realize how your words can translate when you’re spending time with your single friends. After all, we want to help them in their journey, not hinder them.
Sometimes, the things that we say to single Catholics today can actually do more harm than good. If you’ve ever struggled to say the right thing around your single friends, here are three things that Catholic singles are tired of hearing – and what you should say instead in your next conversation.
1. “I have a Catholic nephew. . . “
When you mention that you’re a Catholic single adult to someone, they may be quick to mention their similarly single Catholic nephew, daughter, or brother. They may even mention their Catholic neighbor who has a single, eligible, Catholic cousin. Most of the time, these suggestions come from a place of well-intention. But there’s a decent chance that you may not know the single person well enough to match make them, or think that the only necessary point of complimentary is that both of the people you know are single. This isn’t to say that blind dates are total failures – many people have met through a friend setting them up. But they need to have something more in common that just being Catholic and single.
Instead of mentioning your recently single Catholic relatives, take time to ask the single people in your life how you can encourage and support them. Those of us who are no longer single still desire to come alongside our single friends and walk their vocational journey with them. Chances are, single Catholics may respond that they just need a good friend who can listen. They may say they don’t need any help, and that’s completely fine too. But before offering your match-making skills, check to see if your suggestions are what your single Catholic friend really needs right now.
2. “You know what your problem is?”
This phrase is usually followed by a myriad of suggestions. You may think the single Catholic that you know is too picky, too introverted, too afraid to date. Maybe you think they just live in the wrong town, spend too much time at work, or need a new hobby.
Single Catholics have more than likely spent quite a bit of time wondering if there is anything wrong with them, and more than likely do not need any more suggestions about how they are doing things wrong. Telling them exactly what their problem is when it comes to dating may seem like a loving gesture, since you only want to help. But instead of pointing out the place where you think that your single friend could improve, take time to ask the single people in your life if they even want to discuss their relationship status.
Some days, they’ll love to hear your advice on how to date well. Other days they will want to talk about anything other than their love life. Asking your single friends if they’d like to discuss dating lets them know that you’re not afraid to bring up love with them, but also respect their boundaries and the fact that they may answer “No”.
3. “You must have so much free time”
Yes, relationships do take a lot of time. But Catholic singles do a lot more than sit around all day, wondering when someone is going to date them. They may be passionately involved with a volunteer organization. Perhaps they’re making great progress in their jobs, or they’re enjoying time with friends on the weekend. Just because they aren’t dating doesn’t mean they have all the free time in the world. But for those of us who aren’t single anymore, respecting the time of Catholic singles is much more helpful then commenting on their lack of relationship.
Instead of talking about how much free time a single Catholic must have on their hands, ask them about what is new in their life. How is their job going? Are they taking any trips soon? What was the last book they read? It can be easy to resort to chatting about relationships as a default conversational topic – I’m guilty of doing this, too. But single Catholics are so much more than their relationship status. Get to know them as more than just your single friend.
Complimenting single Catholics on the choices that they’re making in their life can be really meaningful as well. When I was single, there were a few friends in my life who complimented me on how intentional I was with my relationship with God while I wasn’t dating someone. That compliment meant the world to me. Take time to notice the bigger picture of the lives of single Catholics around you – and then don’t forget to compliment them on the ways that they’re striving to sainthood in their daily lives.
