Dear Michele,
I don’t usually ask questions like this, and have never really bourn my soul over the internet, but your combination of catholic theology and psychology seems wonderful. I need an outside party opinion. I hope you can piece together the truth from my biased side of the story.
I am confused. I have been involved with a man, my first love, for over 10 years. He has never committed to a relationship with me, for various good reasons. When we first met, we were very close, but he did not commit because he believed he was too young and needed to focus on school and career. This initial “rejection” started us out on the wrong foot. Even though we were not committed and he said we were friends, we behaved as lovers, in such a way that I came to expect from him what he was unwilling to give. On such a precedent we proceeded with a very turbulent friendship/lover relationship, which caused him all the more reason to decide that he could not commit to me. During this time he saw other women, and told me. I began to see other men, but I hid this from him. In fact I became destructive in my behavior with other men, eventually losing my virginity and behaving in ways I have later come to regret. Our relationship remained friends, acting as lovers with various expectations on either side. In the meantime, he moved to another city, and I visited as often as possible. While he dated, he always told me that he remained a virgin.
Two years ago, while still across the country, he began to become serious about me, and began to talk of marriage and commitment. In light of this, I could no longer hide my secrecy, and told him I wasn’t a virgin. He was devastated. It took me almost a year to confess the truth of all I had done and I begged forgiveness from him. Somehow we managed to talk, and remain close over the past two years, and while he said he forgave me, said that he no longer saw me in the same way he had before. Suddenly he has stopped talking. He told me he was with another girl, then a week later said he missed me, then a week later said he didn’t like me, then called to wish me merry Christmas, then nothing.
I am very confused. I have behaved in ways that I regret and recognize now as hurtful and disgusting to myself, I know that I have hurt him deeply. Mostly I think I deserve that he should leave me and I hope he is happy. Other times I feel, if he had ever wanted to be with me he would have been a long time ago. Did he ever love me? In 10 years did I delude myself? Other times I think, he never committed to me! His treatment of me helped me lose my dignity, and he should accept some responsibility! He is such a strong and honorable man, I truly respect how he thinks and feels about most things in life. If this is how he sees me, how am I not to see myself as he does? Can I see past my pain and understand that he is really hurting and really alone? Is he? Is he better off without me? How could I have hurt him so badly in the first place? Why was I so self centered? And still, why don’t I accept that what I did was wrong?
I’m not asking necessarily what I should do, there’s little to be done – I just will continue to love him, respect his silence (I have not in the past, at all), respond to him if he does initiate, be accepting and at peace with what he decides, rejoice if he comes back to me, and let time pass if he does not. What I am asking is, what do I think of it all – was I so wrong and he right to leave me? How do I accept my actions as wrong so I can ask true forgiveness of both him and myself? Or do I just not really believe I’m wrong, is that why I want him to just get over it already? How can I know for myself what it is I truly believe, or what the truth is of this relationship?
Signed,
Lovers Without Commitment
Dear Lovers,
I can hear your anguish in trying to make sense of both your feelings today and the reality of the past. Ten years is a very long time to give your heart to someone, so it is natural that an abrupt stop in communication would make the healing process even more difficult.
I will start by telling you what I tell couples I see for therapy: the truth of the relationship lies somewhere between the perspective of you both. Each one of you have your own truth, there is the shared perspective, and then you must accept that you cannot control the experience of the other. So let’s start by focusing on what is going on for you.
I posted your question because it is a very poignant example of what happens when a relationship progresses without a clear commitment. You are stuck between feeling betrayed, but then asking yourself why you betrayed the relationship. Why do you think you were willing to give your time and heart to a man who said that he was unable to commit? I would imagine you were young and maybe didn’t know better, but if you look deeper was there a pattern of holding on to false hope? A hope that you, and your love, would turn his heart towards commitment? A hope fueled by the continued time together and the experience of him reaching out to you? A hope that believed he shared the intensity of the feelings you were having, along with the desire to commit?
There is no way to know exactly what he was feeling, or if he really loved you. But what we do know is that both of you were extracting the benefits of relationship (companionship, passion, shared experience, support) without the responsibility (commitment to exclusivity and movement towards marriage). John Paul II, before he was Pope, wrote an entire book on this concept entitled “Love and Responsibility.” One of the quotes that relates to your situation is from pg. 131: “The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is.” How much true love did you really experience? Or give?
Taking responsibility means understanding the depth of the other’s feelings and knowing that you have the power to do great harm or great good. Taking responsibility means being honest. Taking responsibility means being faithful, it means being willing to sacrifice for the good of the relationship. Taking responsibility means putting a boundary around behaviors that belong to lovers and not simply “friends.” Taking responsibility means giving your commitment, at each stage that is appropriate for the relationship. When both partners take responsibility, intimacy flourishes. When either partner does not, then the type of turmoil, conflict, and confusion you are describing prevails.
God tells us that hope is a virtue, but it must be based in reality or it is simply wishful thinking. When hope is distorted, it leads to the pain and suffering you are experiencing. When you orient your life and your relationships around God’s principles, you will find honesty, humility, communication, fidelity, vulnerability, love, and .. responsibility. Look to the way that Christ loves us. He loves us with complete fidelity. He loves us in our sin, and He is the essence of forgiveness. He wants the best for us, even if it would be painful for us to experience. His love is pure; it is charity. His commitment is through and beyond death. Christ’s love builds character, and character is what your relationship was missing.
There is nothing you can “do” to fix the past. Your ideas to wait for now and move on if necessary are the right steps towards healing. And there are a few things you can do to move forward; it starts with a journey within. You need to discover why you were willing to accept a relationship on such unstable terms. There was a part of you that wanted to rebel and acted out by being with other men. What were you really feeling at those times? Why were you so willing to give yourself away? What does character mean to you? What other needs or desires were driving you to remain in this situation? Do any of your emotions feel “familiar,” as if they had an origin in your early experiences?
I hear both anger and hurt in your letter, I would take the time to honor both of those feelings. They are real for you and need the freedom of expression. You may want to consider taking this journey with a trusted mentor or Christian/Catholic counselor. You may also benefit from John Paul II’s book “Love and Responsiblity,” or the book “Boundaries in Dating” and “Safe People” from Drs. Cloud and Townsend. You may also like “Changes that Heal” from the same authors.
I hope some of this has helped. Your approach has been very open and honest, and those qualities will help you heal through this process. I pray that you learn how to place your hope in a love that is based in character and virtue, and biblical principles. I also thank you for your letter as I do think it will be helpful to others in similar situations.
God Bess,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
