It’s probably true that most of us considered an age gap of more than a couple years to be a big deal when we were in our teens. But once we grow up and reach mutual adulthood, a few more years’ age difference isn’t so significant anymore.
Or is it? Some people in the dating scene have a strong preference to only date people near their age, or perhaps even a preference to only date younger people. Older men generally tend to want to date younger women. Older women, on the other hand, do not always want to date younger men. And for those older adults looking for senior dating, the online dating world can seem like a young person’s game.
Sometimes these preferences might end up narrowing the dating pool in a rather frustrating way. So here’s a look at some reasons behind those preferences, and what a difference in age might mean for you.
The Rule Is… There Are No Rules
It’s quite possible that you could ask several different people their opinions on how close in age two people should be in order to date and receive a different answer each time.
There are no hard and fast rules on whether or not two Catholics should be near the same age to date or to be married. Some traditions even hold that Saint Joseph was several years older than the Blessed Mother.
Differences in societal norms, time, and place can all play a part in determining how large an age gap works or is appropriate. My grandparents were eight years apart, which doesn’t necessarily sound that out of the ordinary until you learn that my grandmother was graduating high school and my grandpa in his late twenties. These days, that might seem a bit weird, but no one thought twice about it in the early 1950s.
What about in our own day and age, when you are frustrated to see that a lot of potential dates you find interesting have listed a preferred age that is a bit younger than you are? It turns out that there can be several possible reasons for this, and a few things you should consider when deciding what course of action to take.
Age Can Be a Legitimate Preference
Most of us, in at least some way, have a type. I’ve always preferred men with a good sense of humor. A friend of mine likes men who are the confident, loud type that I find annoying.
And then we’ve all heard of people with preferences that sound superficial to us: Men who only like blondes, or women who refuse to date men who are shorter than they are.
The truth of the matter is that all of these preferences—age included—can seem superficial because they are merely a concept of our ideals. They don’t necessarily take into consideration an actual person, as much as they are an imagining of a type of person we find appealing.
So it can seem frustrating or even absurd when you see that someone you’re interested in only wants to date someone of an age range to which you don’t belong. But it’s not much different than any other preference.
That being said, should you strictly respect this stated age preference of theirs? Say you’re 53, and the man you’d like to connect with says he prefers to date women only under age 50. If you have a reason to suspect the two of you would be a good fit anyway, you might be bold and give him a try. Three years might not make a big difference to him.
Then again, if you are a bit farther outside the age range, it might be a better idea to respect his preferences and keep looking.
When You’re the One Who Wants to Date Younger
You’re definitely entitled to the preference of dating only those younger than yourself. The important thing here is that you’re upfront and honest about your preference, rather than leading anyone on when you’re only looking for someone younger.
But it’s also important to be honest with yourself. You might come to realize that this preference of yours is significantly narrowing your dating pool, so perhaps you should examine your motives and decide whether you should be open to dating other ages.
Are you wanting to date only younger people because of your own feelings about aging? Does dating younger make you feel more attractive? If you take an introspective look at your motives and realize something like this might be the case, it could be time to open up your age range and see who else is out there.
Or perhaps you want to date younger with the hope that you’ll be able to have children with a younger woman. There’s nothing wrong with this in and of itself. Procreation is a beautiful and lovely goal, but don’t discount a potentially great match on that consideration alone.
Fertility is a gift from God and never guaranteed to anyone, even if they’re in the supposed age range of childbearing years. So there’s no telling that your quest for a younger mate will necessarily lead to natural children in the long run anyway.
A better idea might be to search for someone who is open to family in general if that’s your goal. Adoption remains an option for couples at any stage of life.
The Age Gap: How Much is Too Much?
The bottom line is that there’s no concrete answer to this. If two people are aware of the difference and okay with it, that’s the most important thing.
That being said, once you get in the realm of generation gaps, things can get complicated or awkward. A general rule of thumb might be to think long and hard before dating someone of more than ten years’ age difference from you if you want to avoid things like possible disapproval from family and friends, or difficulty in relating to one another’s peer groups.
Can a large age gap like this work? It will probably be more difficult, but it’s certainly possible, as long as the relationship begins from a place of openness and honesty.
As you consider a potential age gap, keep in mind each other’s goals in life. Are you both looking for marriage? Are children in the picture (either right now or hopefully in the future)? If the age gap includes an older man or woman, was there a divorce in the previous marriage? Where are each of you in your life stages?
Perhaps the most important consideration in all this is to be open to what God might have in store for you. God’s ways are not our ways. There are many married couples who are happily married even with larger age gaps.
Preferences, in another or yourself, exist because of our ideas of what we think will make us happy. So it’s important to realize that God can both work through those preferences or, if He so chooses, work around them.
