There’s no denying that rejection hurts.
Most of us would probably prefer to go to great lengths to avoid the possibility of being rejected. And yet, rejection is often an integral part of the online dating world.
Let’s face it: when you first sign up for an online dating site, you usually will immediately find a large list of potential matches. Surely, you must think, I’m going to find a match in this group, right?
But it doesn’t take too many rejections to get discouraged. Suddenly what looked like a lot of potential matches doesn’t seem like that many potential matches at all.
In most cases, it’s a sensible idea to avoid putting ourselves into any situations that seem extremely likely to lead to us being rejected – for our own sanity, if nothing else.
And yet, there are circumstances where a high likelihood of rejection seems like a risk worth taking.
When it comes to the question of whether or not you should ask out someone who’s already said no to you in the past, rejection probably seems like an obvious result.
After all, if they’ve already said no, why would there answer be any different now?
Well, there are a few variables that you can consider, if you find yourself wondering whether re-asking out a person who’s already rejected you might be a risk worth taking.
Have you (or they) changed?
If you find yourself considering re-asking out someone who has turned you down in the past, the question of change is an important one.
If both you and this person you’re attracted to are exactly the same people you were when you asked them out the first time, there’s probably not a good reason to try again.
But it’s more than possible that, with the passing of time, you or the other person have changed.
Especially for those who are early in their dating lives, there’s often a need for maturation.
Perhaps you can look back at the person you were when you asked them out the first time, and you can see that you weren’t very mature. Maybe you can see that aspects of your lifestyle or personality still needed work to be truly grown up.
If this is the case, it might be worthwhile to revisit a romantic relationship with the person who rejected you in the past.
But perhaps start slowly. Help them get acquainted with how you’ve changed since the last time you asked them out. And it’s possible that they might be more interested in giving you a chance than they were before.
The other aspect of this question is whether or not the other person has changed.
Sometimes, even people we feel attracted to can have shallow qualities. If you’ve realized that the reasons they didn’t want to date you had to do with their own lack of maturity, examine whether that’s changed.
If you find yourself attracted anew to someone who has rejected you in the past, it might just be because one or both of you have changed since you tried the first time.
Have your life circumstances changed?
Sometimes a rejection in our dating life has little or nothing to do with our shortcomings. Sometimes, it’s just not the right time in life.
What might sound like an excuse from the other person might be a very legitimate reason for them to reject you.
Maybe they really don’t have the time or energy to date you while they finish grad school. Or maybe they know that they really can’t handle dating someone who works a schedule that you work.
There are many various life circumstances that can make a dating relationship difficult. But for some people, no matter how much they might like you, difficult circumstances might seem more like impossible circumstances.
So if the person blamed life circumstances as the reason they didn’t want to date you or that they just wanted to be friends, you could consider asking them out again once those circumstances have changed.
It is still possible that they were only making an excuse, but you might have to decide whether the real possibility of a relationship with them is worth taking a risk of rejection here.
Have you been attached to them ever since?
If you find yourself thinking of asking someone out again, an honest look at your feelings might be necessary.
In general, if someone tells you that they don’t want to date you, you should take that at face value and move on.
Barring some kind of manipulative game on their part, or perhaps a conditional, “unless…” that they’ve mentioned, there’s probably no good reason to think of their rejection as anything but a “no.”
If you find your attraction to them resurfacing at some later time, then you can take a look at whether some things have changed and you might have a chance now.
But that’s a very different situation from holding out unrealistic hope for someone.
So if you’re thinking of asking someone out again, ask yourself first whether this is a new idea or a hope you’ve been holding onto.
It’s typically not very healthy to hold onto the hope of dating someone who’s rejected you already. If they reject you, it’s time to move on.
It’s always possible that things eventually change and pave the way for you to try again.
But it’s probably wisest to leave that kind of intricate circumstance-arranging to God and to take someone’s “no” as a real no.