Retro Dear Michele: How to Find a Compatible Mate

Dear Michele,

I have been on this site for a while and I recently met up with several different guys. However, I haven’t been able to find a compatible mate or even a compatible friend. What am I doing wrong?

It is clear that the men I did meet lie about their age. One had his age set at 68 and he turned out to be 80. Also, when you meet them, their pictures look more like their sons!

It gets rougher to live alone and fill in weekends as you get older. It would be heaven to have a compatible male friend to share the time with. But how do you make this miracle happen?

I admit I’m stumped.


How To Find a Compatible Date

Fraud is the Worst

Fraud is the Worst

Dear How to Find a Compatible Date,

First, I see how it must be so disappointing to look forward to meeting someone, only to find out that he has not been honest with you. Lying about age is simply unacceptable, although I know a lot of people do it. Be sure to read my previous post about listing a younger age.

I hope people will begin to understand that starting out any relationship, even just a friendship, by being dishonest will never have good results. Lying about age simply reveals insecurity.

The Cross of This Generation

The Cross of This Generation

I also want to acknowledge how difficult it is to meet a compatible mate. It really is a miracle any time two people meet, actually want to be together to the same degree at the same time, and are able to make the next step to a lifelong commitment. That’s why sites like this can be so helpful. I don’t take the struggle lightly; it is a challenging path.

In fact, I believe it’s the cross of our generation. Our Lord did not intend for us to struggle this much in finding the mate He has chosen for us. But, with our culture that values freedom over commitment, focuses on beauty and wealth, and delays the maturity of taking responsibility for ourselves and others, it has become very difficult to find someone.

But, there is hope. There are people that are not perfect, not rich, not skinny, and not beautiful that get married every day (or whatever else our culture tells us we need to be in order to meet someone.) So, what can you do? I’ve posted blogs about how to attract more people to your profile, and how to contact others.

If you are contacting men, be sure that you fall within their demographic. A wink or smile can be enough, or if you want to send a quick interest email, just make sure it’s short. I would also suggest possibly widening the demographic that you are looking for.

When you do connect with a potential on this site, I suggest prolonging the time you are in email communication, and then move into phone conversations. This will give you a better opportunity to know if someone is going to be a good fit, and worth your time to schedule a first date. You can even make comment about how important you find it for someone to be honest about his age. Hopefully that will help!

Here’s Something Possibly Novel:  Get Offline!

Here's Something Possibly Novel Get Offline!

In terms of outside of this site, think about what you liked to do when you first starting becoming an adult. Did you have an interest in music, photography, nature walks, bike riding? Whatever it may be, search out a club or even start one at your church to find like-minded people.

And here is the most important advice I can give you: search, and I mean hunt hard, to find a good singles ministry in a Catholic church anywhere within an hour to two drive. It’s the best way to meet friends, potential dates, or friends that can introduce you to potential dates. Can’t find one? Then seriously consider starting one. Honestly, a good priest would love a parishioner that is interested in getting involved.

Starting by talking to the priest. Think that sounds crazy? That’s exactly how I met my husband. There wasn’t a singles ministry at my parish, so I started one. I met a girl through the ministry who became a good friend, we went to an event at another parishes’ singles ministry about 45 minutes away, and that’s where I met my husband. He had actually heard about the programs we were doing at my singles ministry and he starting coming to our events.

There is hope. Miracles do happen every day. If you feel there is something outside of your awareness that you may be doing that makes it harder to meet someone, then seek out a trusted Catholic therapist, clergy, or mentor (who is married). You may also want to check out the book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. It’s a great biblical perspective on dating.

As always, bring your struggle to the cross. Christ wants to walk with you through this journey, even the painful parts. He may be working to prepare your perfect mate right now. Your prayers to open that person’s heart to God’s will can always help. Consider spending time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and think about being more involved in established ministries at your own parish. You may find that weekends become more full as you live more connected with the community of the Body of Christ.

God Bless,

Michele Fleming, M.A.

This post originally appeared April 23, 2012.