To say that the death of a spouse of is life-changing in the worst of ways is probably a pretty big understatement. And at the time you experienced the loss, it’s likely that the thought of eventually re-entering the dating world seemed like an impossibility, or at best some distant vague possibility.
With some time and healing, though, it’s only natural to eventually start thinking about dating again. But how soon is too soon? When is a healthy time to try dating again after such a deep loss?
There Is No Universally Perfect Time
It’s important to understand when you’re discerning this question for your own life that there is no one absolute right answer to the question of what is too soon. The grieving process looks different for everyone.
Some factors can cause the process to take longer, like if the loss was sudden, unexpected, or traumatic. Or if your relationship was strained toward the end, the grieving process can be harder as it might involve forgiving yourself too.
In a certain sense, no matter how “good” a death it might have been, one’s grieving is never fully finished, because you can never go back to what you had before and take away the void left by the loss.
That being said, though, there are some signs you can look for to help you understand if you might be ready to try dating again, or if you do need more time.
Where Are You in the Grieving Process?
I’m no counselor or expert in the psychology of loss, but I know from friends who’ve experienced such things that the grief we go through after the death of a loved one does tend to follow a certain process, often not too different from the way a psychology textbook might outline it.
The first phase of grief around the time of the loss might have looked like numbness, depression, guilt, or anger. This early phase is a prime example of the fact that there is no one “normal” response, that grieving is unique for each person.
But after the first three months or so, most of us are able to begin accepting the loss emotionally. Then, the next phase involves beginning to adjust to life without the loved one, while continuing to process the pain. That might mean starting to make decisions for the future and beginning the process of “moving on.”
And finally, at long last, one typically gets to a place where they have an enduring connection with their departed loved one, but also have room emotionally to let others in.
While there is no hard and fast time line for how long it takes to get to this final stage, I’ve heard it said that it often occurs somewhere in the second year after the loss occurs.
Signs of a Healthy Time to Move On
If you don’t know immediately how close you are to that final stage of grief, take a look for some solid positive signs that you might be ready to move on.
Are you able to think about your departed loved one without feeling deep anguish? If thinking about them still makes you feel overwhelmed or desperate, you might need more time before you try dating again.
Is your daily life back to some level of normalcy? Concrete signs of this could include:
- You’ve gone back to work – or, if you’re retired, you’ve gone back to normal daily activities.
- You’ve began making plans for the future again, looking forward to things you used to enjoy.
- You’re spending time with friends and family again in typical settings, having enjoyable quality time.
- Your sleep and eating habits are healthy and regular (or at least similar to how they were before the loss – a lot of us aren’t perfect in these areas even at the best of times!).
If you’re still struggling with some of these aspects of everyday life in the wake of your loss, you might need more time before introducing yourself back into a life of dating.
When in Doubt, Ask for Help
If you’re unsure where you’re at in the process, it might be a good idea to check in with those who know you best. While your future is not up to them, the outsider’s perspective of a close friend or family member might be what you need to help you understand how far you’ve come or might still have to go.
If you are finding that you have some distance to go yet, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Talking to a grief counselor or perhaps a priest can really help if you’re struggling.
And as always, bring your struggles and questions to prayer. Ask God for light and understanding in your discerning process. He wants you to be happy and wants you to bring your difficulties to Him.
And know that by asking the question of whether or not you’re ready to move on, you’re already showing wisdom and are headed in the right direction to find happiness again.
