I’ve heard people say they know within minutes, or some who say they want to do “every holiday” with someone before they know the relationship is marriage material. But for me, the magic number has always been six months.
Maybe you met each other through online dating or a more old fashioned way. If you’re determining whether your relationship has the legs, here six questions to ask (ideally at the six month mark!) to jump-start the conversation.
1. Does it feel like we’re moving forward?
You don’t have to be ring shopping yet. Simply ask yourself if you feel like you’re in a different place now than when you began dating.
“Like all things in nature, we’re either in bloom or decay,” a friend once told me.
What are some ways to tell that your relationship is moving forward? You feel challenged by one another to be your best selves, you’re able to recognize and address conflict as a team, and you talk more regularly and/or more deeply.
2. What do I love about this person?
At this point in your relationship, you should be able to name specific qualities about your boyfriend or girlfriend that you truly love. The more specific, the better!
Make it fun, and write down a list of these characteristics.
Looking for a fun twist? Write a list of twenty things you need in a husband or wife, regardless of your current partner. Then write down twenty things you love about them specifically, and see how the lists line up side-by-side.
You may be growing in love with something you didn’t even realize.
3. Do our hopes for the future line up?
As lovely and head-in-the-clouds as love can be, we’re also called to a practical approach in a lot of ways, too. While the Lord wants us to be happy, he also wants us to build our house on stone.
A partnership requires more than compatibility to work. It requires a shared vision for the future. Maybe that takes working out. After all, it’s not reasonable to assume someone will have the exact same dreams as you.
But it’s also not reasonable to fit yourself into someone else’s story.
Here are some really simple examples that at six months may seem insignificant or distant, but are actually incredibly impactful long-term and should be addressed ASAP.
- Do you want to live in the same place?
- Do you agree on children—openness to them, how to raise them, what values matter?
- Do you have a similar timeline?
- Do your financial habits seem sustainable as a team?
4. Can we discuss the future willingly and openly?
Even if you’re of the mindset that you should spend every holiday together before you commit to a lifetime, both partners should still be really aware that the goal is marriage. If your actions today aren’t in service of that goal, ask yourself what are they serving? The present moment? The desires of the flesh or heart?
You should be able to at least explore the future hypothetically—not necessarily figure it out.
Ideally, it would be a conversation of joy and excitement and possibility, not an awkward teeth-pulling session.
5. Could I spend forever with this person?
This is a super obvious question, but it really bears asking.
My therapist told me to visualize an actual, daily future with my boyfriend (at the time).
“Set aside the rose colored notions of the waking up to do the crossword together and having oversea adventures. Actually imagine what day to day life would be like. Brushing your teeth next to this person, grocery shopping, an evening after a long day at work,” she encouraged me to think about what it would look like.
That concept was truly revolutionary. It helped me to realize what it truly would mean to share a life. There’s much, much more to come from experience, but the idea that someone who I enjoyed flirting with may also have to one day hand me a roll of toilet paper through the door was a sobering understanding for me.
6. Now what?
Where do you want to go from here? None of these are by any means deal-breakers. These are just questions meant to start a conversation.
If something was stirring in your heart as you read through these, bring it to the Lord and to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Thinking into the future as a couple is exciting, and full of potential. Approach these questions not as a requirement to move forward, or a litmus test of your relationship but an opportunity to delve deeper into something you already love so much!
