Father, I am divorced since December of 2007. My ex was abusive, some physically, mostly verbal.I kept up a good front. Went to church each week, my girls involved in church and I would sit next to him in the pew and think terrible terrible things. Why did I stay? First of all it became a way of life. After you are called all those hateful names everyday it becomes “Normal” and that I am Catholic. Catholic’s don’t get divorced. It got so bad that I could not stay. My girls lives were being threatned and I had to get out. My problem is that I know I need to forgive if I am ever going to be able to open myself up to find my own journey. I Know I do, I just can’t seem to at this point in my life forgive him. I still feel like I could run over him with my car for all he done to us. Any thoughts…
Thanks for your question, and I am so sorry for all that you had to go thru. It sounds like it was an incredibly painful and difficult time in your life, as well as for your children.
And you’re right, when you answered your own question “why did I stay” — because it became “normal.” So often we can get “stuck” in unhealthy situations… unhealthy physically, emotionally, and even spiritually – believing “this is my cross to bear.” In a lot of those situations, that’s not “the cross” but rather a bad situation that we’ve tried to make sense of to the point that reason disappears.
So I’m happy that you’ve begun a journey towards healing. It sounds like you’re in a much more positive place than you were.
To get to your question – about forgiveness. That can be one of the most difficult things for people to do. Particularly in this situation – you’re talking about someone who was suppose to be the one you’re the most close to in the whole world, dealing with an incredibly painful experience, and I’m assuming there hasn’t been much in terms of an act of “repentance” on your ex’s part. All of these things combined make it even more difficult to simply “forgive and forget.”
And that’s the point. While Jesus’ calls us to “forgive those who trespass against us” the reality is that takes time, and He never said it has to be immediate. Jesus has given us a model to follow, to desire, to work towards. And I believe that as long as we’re moving in that direction, that we’re not able to offer complete, total forgiveness at this point is okay. The fact that you have the desire in you’re heart and that you’re open to the possibility is the thing to nurture and see how God is acting and moving and blessing you in there.
You already recognize the NEED to forgive – not out of obligation to God, but for your own well-being… That’s a tremendous gift right there! So I would suggest that you keep your focus on that. On the openness, the desire you have to one day be able to truly forgive your ex. And as you focus on that, and keep asking the Lord to increase that desire – hopefully you’ll be find ways and movements in your own heart that start to bring about that forgiveness.
I hope that helps and I will pray for you and your ex, that the healing presence of the risen Christ will continue to lead you on this journey that you’ve begun…
God Bless,
Fr Jim
