Dear Michele,I am wondering when I should get back to meeting women? My wife died last December and I’m wondering if it’s too soon?
M
Dear M,
Let me first say that I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. Even though it’s been a year, it’s very normal to still have times when you are struggling with the pain, especially with the anniversary of her death and the holidays coming up.
You are asking a very important question, one that many times people do not stop to consider. Just know that by thinking through this question first before jumping into another relationship, you are already showing wisdom in your discernment process.
There are some signs to look for to determine if you are ready to start dating again. First, check to see if you have passed through the phases of grief. For starters, the phase of mourning that you are in now should look very different from the first weeks or months after the death. Grief is different for everyone in the beginning. It can look like depression, anxiety, apathy, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, or complete withdrawal. There truly is no one “normal” because we all mourn differently, and there is no set timeline. However, after the first 3 months or so, most folks slowly begin to accept the reality of the loss, at both an emotional and spiritual level. In the next phase, the person starts adjusting to the world without the deceased as they still process the pain. This may mean making decisions about their life, taking steps to begin “moving on.” In the final stages of grief, most people find that they have an enduring connection to the deceased, and while the relationship has a significant part in the person’s life, there is space for others. There is no timeline for this final stage, but normally occurs by the second year.
When is mourning complete? There is no one answer, but looking at the tasks of grieving outlined above and determining where you are is a good test. In a way, grieving is never finished because you will never be able to go back to your life with that person. You can smile at the times you enjoyed together, as the “bitter sweetness” of it may continue. Are you able to speak about the death openly? This is a good sign you have processed the grief.
If your relationship was strained or ambivalent at the time of the death, sometimes it takes longer to grieve because it can be harder to forgive ourselves or the other person. If you have had multiple losses in your life, you may need a bit more time to process. A traumatic loss may be more difficult to grieve then one that is expected.
When you are at a healthy point to start dating again, you should be able to think about your wife without feeling deep anguish. Sadness at the loss is normal at any stage, but you shouldn’t feel overwhelmed by it or desperate to find someone new. Another test can be to look at your life’s functioning. Have you returned to work? Or, if you’re retired, have you started to make new plans? Are you able to enjoy activities that you used to enjoy before the death? Are you able to reconnect with friends or spend time with family? Have you found your place back in the church? Are you keeping yourself healthy in terms of returning to your normal eating habits, sleeping patterns, and exercise routine? How is your mood – are you able to have periods of contentment?
If you have any concerns, check in with your family and friends. If you are having problems moving through grief, consider talking to a clergy member or Christian counselor. And at all times, bring your question to prayer. When you gain a sense of peace about moving on, especially during prayer, then you may come to know that you are ready.
Michele
