Dear Michele,After dating a fabulous man for some time, he has decided that he wants us to stop having sex and then “consider” marriage. The problem for
me is that we have already developed a close relationship, our children
get along fantastically, and our sex life is very good. Not having sex has made our relationship uncomfortable and unnatural. I am unwilling to stop having a sexual relationship for an unknown period of time so that we can “consider” marriage down the road. I love this man very much and don’t want to lose him. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
CM
Dear CM,
Thank you for your candor and honest approach to a challenging situation. Sounds like the rules of the relationship have been changed, and you may be feeling a betrayal of sorts. Certainly this could cause some mistrust, as I can sense you are suspicious of his attempt to “consider” marriage. I can see why you are confused and frustrated by the situation.
I am sure you are aware of the teachings of the Church on pre-marital sex, so there is no need to go into that now. I can tell you that research shows that couples who delay sexual intercourse report higher levels of satisfaction and dedication in their marriages. Not having sex can improve your chances of a marriage that is more fulfilling. We also know from research that there are many “bonding” hormones that are released during sex. Not a bad thing, because sex is meant to bond a couple together. Our bodies are bonded, and our hearts want to stay together. Great for a marriage. The problem is, when the couple is bonded together physically, but without a permanent emotional commitment in marriage, those same hormones can act to blind us to the other dynamics of the relationship. We sometimes ignore other parts of the relationship that may need work when we are using our bodies to feel close and maintain the bond. Refraining from sex can actually “clear” our mind. It also teaches the couple how to connect emotionally and spiritually, which research again shows is much more important for keeping a future marriage together.
At this point, you may be thinking, “well, we were already active, so why stop now?” I would say that not having sex could be a great turning point for your relationship, one where you could learn to grow and connect in other ways as a couple. You say that the relationship feels uncomfortable and unnatural. This may be because you have been using sex as a foundation for connecting, which can become a substitute for the more difficult task of building a connection based on authentic feelings, thoughts, needs, and concerns. Sex will not keep your marriage together, a secure bond based in the truth of each personality will. Since there will be times in your marriage where you may need to abstain from sex (health, pregnancy, time apart), you can think of this time in your dating relationship as training for faithfulness. Do you really want a spouse that can’t say “no” to sex?
Sounds like an honest discussion with your boyfriend would be an important next step. What does he hope to learn from abstaining? Is there anything about the relationship that concerns him? Is there anything about his decision that feels punitive to you? Can you talk to him about it? Is either one of you dealing with feelings of guilt or shame about sex? If he is truly discerning marriage, how long does he expect the process to take? Think of this discussion as one of those first steps to learning how to connect and be authentic outside of the bedroom. A man that wants to take steps to prepare a dating relationship for a marriage commitment is a wonderful gift.
Prayerfully,
Michele
