Dear Michele: Parenting with an Ex

Dear Michele, I have a question concerning dealing with my ex-husband as it relates to parenting our two children. One is in college and the other is a teenager. Recently, my oldest called to tell me he had failed a test. He just wanted to be assured by someone that loves him that it was going to be okay. Well I did that for him. He also called his father and expected the same from him only to be lectured on what he needed to do. My son called me back and was very upset.
I have had a very hard time dealing with my ex, especially after the divorce. After 25 years of marriage, my husband left me to be with a 28 year old. I don’t ask much of him, just to treat the children well. I don’t think that is too much. I want to know, should I let my kids deal with him in this manner or should I as their mom intervene?
Signed,
Caring Parent

Dear Caring Parent,
Let me first recognize everything you have been through with the divorce. I am sure it was devastating to experience such a loss, and I hope you are coming through the healing process. I can see how much you care for your children, and that speaks to the love of family that you have in your heart. I’m sure it’s very hard to see them in pain when they are looking to their father for compassion or kindness, but only find more judgment.
As I’m sure you are aware, there is very little you can do about your husband’s behavior, only the way that you deal with it. And, research shows that no matters how difficult the relationship with the ex, children never benefit when one parent makes negative comments about the other. Your ex-husband is their father and will always be, so as much as you can refrain from saying anything unkind about him (even though you certainly have a right to those feelings), your children will learn to navigate their difficult relationship with him in a healthier manner.
With the older child, a stance of empathy and shared disappointment would likely help him feel more comforted by you. You may express how sad you are that he has not received what he needed from his father, or how much you can hear the hurt in his voice. Compassionate listening and reflecting back what it’s like for him to deal with his father will help your child feel understood and heard. Notice you do not need to comment directly on your ex’s behavior, but rather focus on the impact it has for your child with a supporting and nurturing approach.
With the younger child, you may need to help him formulate how he feels about his relationship with his father. You can do this by asking questions about how he feels, or labeling his feelings when he is not able to. This will help him feel connected to his pain, rather than pushing it away, while at the same time knowing you are there to help soothe him.
You can also share your own pain with both children in seeing them go through this, so they knows it’s ok to have these feelings. Again, no need to make judgments about your husband’s behavior – your children will do that in their own way and in their own time. They need to know that you are a safe person to talk to – about both their disappointments and their joys of being with their father. You can only be this safe haven if you refrain from lashing out at him. And, they will learn that being in relationship sometimes means that we are disappointed and hurt, and how to tolerate these feelings while remaining connected. Not always an easy thing to do, but important to maintaining the relationship. It may not be the close relationship with their dad that both you and your children would like, but learning to accept whatever your husband is able to offer will help this process. Yes, it’s a painful one, but one that will help them grow and mature, and learn how to weather the inevitable challenges that come with family life.
When you get involved directly in attempting to change your husband’s behavior, it likely causes more pain for you and it triangulates your children’s relationship with him. If they want to, they can choose to express their disappointment directly to their father. If they decide to have that conversation directly with him, then you can help them on how to best say it. It’s possible that your husband could not even have that conversation in a productive manner, and both you and your children might want to be prepared for that. It may be that he is unaware of the impact he is having. Either way, direct communication by your children with him is always better than you trying to negotiate the relationship for them. Learning how to express disappointment and hurt to their dad may help your children feel more empowered (and less like a victim). It’s also great practice for learning how to deal with difficult people as they grow into adults.
I know all of this is hard to do. You care deeply for your children and that love will sustain them no matter what they have to go through with their father. If you feel like you have not worked through your own grief about the divorce, you may try looking for a support group, close friend, clergy or counselor that can help you through that process. The more you move through your own pain, the more you will be available to help your children navigate theirs. And, they will see in you a model of working through a painful process, but coming out the other side still capable of asking for and providing love and support to those closest to you.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.