Hi Michele,I’m newly divorced. The divorce was/is devastating, but I can’t sit around feeling too sorry for myself. That has led me to this site. My 17 year old son has a wonderful relationship with a 17 year old woman. They live 2000 miles apart. He’s comfortable with this kind of relationship. I’m not.
All of my life I’ve met people, spent time getting to know them, and then moved into a deeper relationship. It didn’t take me forever to move from “Hi” to “let’s go to a movie.” But by the time the movie question came, I knew the person. Language is a very small part of a budding relationship. The unspoken stuff tells a lot about the person. So, this social networking technology misses a huge piece of the courting “ritual.”
Michele, I look at sites like CatholicSingles because now I don’t work, and when I did work, I traveled up to 75% of the time. I knew a lot of people all over the US but not my neighbor. I don’t want to grow old alone, but I don’t want to force something out of desperation. I need that “organic” piece of a developing relationship. Some of this may be born out of the fact that I’ve always preferred face-to-face over phone discussions with someone. Can you give me any advice?
Signed,
Questioning Technology
Hi Michele,
I was having an on going relationship with this man on the internet for about three months .We really got along great. He said he was very shy. We have never met and he was skiddish to talk on the phone. We did text a lot. I thought the feelings were mutual, and we were going to meet soon. But, we had a disagreement the other day, a minor one, and I apologized, but now he won’t talk to me at all. I am so upset. What should I do?
Signed,
Online and Sad
These two emails outline the challenges and pitfalls of attempting to build a relationship online. Having an online relationship and meeting someone online are two different things. Meeting someone online, and on this site, normally follows the path of connecting via your profile, communicating via email in order to determine a fit, talking on the phone a few times, and then deciding to meet and have the first date. The goal is to find out enough about the other person to determine if you want to meet (in a safe, public place until you know more.) An online relationship involves actually “dating” or building a relationship via email (or texting). The goal may have been to get to know each other, but now very personal intimate details of your life and your feelings are being shared via a keyboard.
The danger of an online relationship is seen in the second letter. There is so much that can be missed. From behind a computer, a person can “put on” any type of persona they desire. It can be easier to be open and vulnerable, or it can be easier to be deceptive. Neither can sustain a true connection where two people can “feel” and see each other’s emotions. You don’t get to see how the person treats the waiter, or interacts with their children, or who their friends are. The only story you get is the one-sided perception from the person that is putting their best foot forward. Some people choose to become intimate online because they have difficulty being authentic in person. Those difficulties will only challenge the relationship when it moves into the “real world.”
My advise to Online Sad is to take some time and understand why you had feelings for a person that did not want to even talk over the phone. Is it possible that you were projecting all your hopes and dreams of a relationship onto this person? Maybe feeling like you knew them already, because you saw what you wanted to know? My advise to Questioning Technology is to continue to question technology. See this site as a tool, like introducing yourself to someone in a bar, you just have a bit more upfront information to help you decide if you want to ask the person out. A few emails and phone calls seems appropriate, but I agree with you, meeting the person and interacting face-to-face are really the whole point!
As with all online sites, be sure to stay safe and check out information the person gives you. Never give out your personal or financial information to anyone you’ve met online, until you know that person better.
And with all dating, no matter how you meet, keeping your dating life aligned with your faith life will keep your heart safe. Know what your values are, know what you believe, and be sure to communicate those with your dates. God is waiting to be invited into the process.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
