I recently received two letters dealing with the same challenge of seeing older men only interested in younger women:
Dear Michele,
I have met men through online dating in the past. However, I left the on-line scene for a couple of years and recently came back. Now I don’t get messages from the type of man close to my age: 40 to 45 year old men, independent person, warm, social, educated, good looking. I´ve seen profiles that matched that criteria and I wrote to a few, but without any reply.
What are my chances being 39? Do the men, in the range I am looking for, interest themselves in someone my age? I have the feeling they are looking for much younger woman. In the other hand, I am not attracted to older men (50 to 60) but I do receive messages from them. It’s just that I believe I would enjoy things with someone closer to my age.
I think I have so much to offer and I really would like to find a person to share myself and my life with. I´ve been very career oriented, but now I would like to have a chance of have a family. Is it too late? What do you suggest?
Signed,
Looking for Man My Age
Dear Michele,
I am a 47-year-old woman, never married, have a great career and no baggage. It seems like all 47-year-old men are only interested in MUCH younger women, while it seems like the only men who are interested in a 47-year-old women is a man in his 70s. What gives? Also, I’ve noticed many men who state that they are ‘willing’ to date a woman my age BUT they are only interested in marrying a woman who is, say, 28 years old. These men see no problem with their lack of integrity. I, on the other hand, am disgusted by it. Are there no good men (my age!) out there anymore? Why are men so shallow? What am I? Chopped liver?
Signed,
Why Only Older Men
Dear Ladies Looking for Men Your Own Age,
As you can see from both of your letters, your dilemma is very common.
I want to start by recognizing the truth of our modern culture: we worship youth. It’s not fair, it’s not just, and it’s not of God. It can feel like a majority of men over 40 want to hold on to their own youth by dating younger women. To share the men’s perspective, sometimes I hear from older men that women their age are so focused on getting married that it puts too much pressure on the relationship and makes them feel more like an object to satisfy a need rather than a unique person. Some men do want to have their own children, and their hearts may be closed to adoption or other ways of building their families. We are making very broad generalizations, because of course relationships between people of vastly different ages work out all the time. It just sounds like it’s not what you are attracted to or looking for.
Even though the situation is common, that doesn’t make it any less painful. I know it is confusing and at times insulting to think that you are excluded from meeting men in your age range just because they want to meet younger women.
If it’ s any help, it’s very likely that a woman who is in her 20’s or early 30’s would also rather date a man her own age too! Men looking for much younger women run the risk of becoming a father-figure to a woman, rather than an equal partner. And a disproportionate age difference is one of the factors that contribute to divorce.
I want to assure you that mature, confident, and emotionally healthy men do exist in the age range you are looking for. How do I know for sure? Because I’ve met them, I know them, and they are out there. In fact, the founder of this site was just married last summer. He is in his 40’s, and so is his wife; it is a first marriage for both. How did they meet? Through this site.
A man who has appropriately passed through the adult developmental phases of life, and who is still single into his 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s, feels exactly how you do. He is looking for a relationship that is based on two equals, common interests, shared faith, and a foundation of both emotional and age-based maturity. Men in this age range may have been married or had children, so you may help you meet someone if you are open to dating a person who has had a marriage annulled or who has children. A man who is looking to recapture his youth through the life of his partner is not the type of man you are going to end up being happy with.
The longing that God has put into your hearts is a good one. It is there for a reason. Consider that He may be calling you to learn or grow in a different way while you are waiting for the partner he is preparing for you. It’s easy to become discouraged. Bring your questions and complaints to our Heavenly Father! See what insight He may bring you, or where He may be pulling you to be involved in His kingdom. He may be asking you to form a more intimate relationship with Him first, as a way to prepare you for your earthly marriage.
Please know that you are a Child of God, His Bride made in His image. He delights in the wisdom you have gained and the growth you have experienced in this life. He sees your inner heart, your true beauty, as we know that our earthly (and aging) bodies are not what is going to be important when we come to meet Him “face to face.” And He loves you more than any earthly relationship can ever fulfill.
God Bless you in Your Journey,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
