In reference to my recent blog from women asking, “where are all the good (older) Catholic men?” I thought this recent email would give hope and inspiration to know.. he’s out there and looking for you.
Dear Michele,
This relationship “Stuff” is confusing me.
I married a girl who I thought was Lutheran. We waited to have sex. Then, after marriage, she never went near a Lutheran church. She went twice a year at Christmas and Easter to my Catholic church.
Deep down, I knew there was a problem. I am totally convinced she was not attracted to me. About two years into our marriage, she starting seeing a married man, and eventually the two of them left their marriages to be together. I am divorced but never wanted to be a person who is divorced.
Now, I see these girls in their 50’s and some of them are not entitled to marry in the Catholic Church. I come from conservative Catholic stock. Between my parents and grandparents, there was over 150 years of marriage, and not one divorce. If a girl I am attracted to and can call friend, says no sex until marriage, I don’t condemn her.
What do Catholic women want? Is all about living together and having fun? One Catholic girl I grew up with is divorced and has been living with this guy for over 10 years. She says I need to “Get with the times.” What are your perceptions about healthy Christian relationships nowadays?
Signed,
An Old Fashioned Gentleman
Dear Old Fashioned Gentleman,
Let me first say that I am sorry to hear of the experience of your first marriage. It must have been very painful for you, and I get the sense that you did a lot of work to try to save the marriage.
And second let me say to you, Stay The Course! Waiting to become physically intimate until after marriage has so many benefits: you get to know the character of the person you are dating more quickly, you learn how to connect emotionally first as emotional connection is what keeps a marriage together (not sex), you practice dedication, fidelity, and self-control, all characteristics that are not easy to come by in our culture but are desperately needed to make a marriage work. Is it a silver bullet, a guarantee of wedded bliss? As you experienced, not always. But is it foundational, an important aspect that cannot be ignored? Yes.
Let me assure you that I get more emails then I can post from Catholic women that don’t want to live together or just have fun. What you, and the other women that email me are looking for is authenticity, character, and the real meaning of courtship. And, for those who are committed to their faith, a relationships that is available for marriage in the church and open to children. These are not “rules” that the Catholic church has decided to impose, the Church is just upholding what Christ and the Father have taught us about love and the meaning of the nuptial bond.
I would say, do NOT “get with the times.” Stay counter-cultural. You are not old-fashioned, although sadly our Catholic values and ideals are. There are many “young” adults in their 20s and 30s that are choosing to date in an appropriate, mature, and responsible way. We can all see the damage around us of dating guided by whim and indulgence, and people from all generations are stepping away from the “times” and embracing the true meaning of caring for another while looking for a marriage partner.
My view of healthy Christian relationships is those relationships that are Christ-centered. The couple is not only active in their church life, but they live the life they claim. These relationships have fruits born of the Holy Spirit: honesty, modesty, faithfulness, chastity, self-control, openness, and finally peace. A peace beyond understanding. No games. No gimmicks. Just what is real. Even if it doesn’t work out, there is less “collateral damage.” And, research shows that it is just these types of characteristics that make marriages stronger and happier.
So, say the course. There are LOTS of women out there looking for the same thing. Let your faith, your values, and Christ’s spirit within you continue to guide you.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
