Dear Michele,A couple of months ago I broke up with my partner of 3 years. I recently joined this website and have been connecting with someone who I seem to have soo much in common with. I am a person who believes that God will lead me to the right man, especially one that shares the same values and faith. We have been emailing each other and I have started developing minimal feelings.. believing God is leading me to him. I am NEW to online dating and not really looking for anything specific. My ex has been ringing me for the past 2 months because he wants to remain friends. I still care about him but not in that way. There is so much more to it, but I don’t want to be writing a novel to you. I have not been perfect in all of this.
I have no intention of getting back together with my ex, but I want to clear the air. Is it wrong to be feeling a slight connection with the other guy who I am connecting with? We have only emailed each other.. as we are both in totally separate countries..
Thank you!
Lady in need
Dear Lady In Need,
To start, you are asking the right questions. You are thinking about your level of emotional involvement with an online interest, while at the same time looking for ways to set boundaries with an ex. You are on the a path of discovering what works best for you.
If you dated someone for 3 years and just broke up, I will be like all of your other friends and warn you about the “rebound” effect. This means that sometimes we are attracted to someone, they can be either the same or exact opposite of our ex, and our feelings are more intense than they normally would be as a way to reduce or remove the pain of a recent breakup. Have you given yourself the time and space to grieve the last relationship? If we get too involved too quickly with a “rebound” relationship, then we may find ourselves breaking up once again because it truly wasn’t a match. This isn’t to say that you can’t meet someone right after a breakup. My sister met her husband a few months after a major breakup, and they are happily married with two children. What it does mean is that you have to be monitoring yourself, asking the right questions (like you are), and making sure you have trusted sources for feedback (like good friends, a counselor, or a clergy member).
With that said, there is nothing “wrong” with having feelings about someone you are getting to know over email. That is the point of this site and of email, finding someone that could be a great match. You seem to indicate they are “slight” feelings, which is appropriate for the level of knowledge that you have about this person. Remember, email is not an accurate representation of who a person is, it’s simply one way of a person can communicate. To truly get to know someone, you would need to spend time together. Not on the phone. Face-to-face time, around each other’s friends and families, in many different scenarios. If you are in two different countries, you would really need to plan out how it could work. It is possible, you just need to be more intentional about getting to know each other in “real life” situations.
Now in terms of your ex. I am not a fan of “remaining friends.” I know it can work for some people, but to me if you broke up, you broke up for a reason. Remaining friends with someone who you were romantically involved with seems like a recipe for emotional entanglement. The type of entanglement that could prevent you from being clear-eyed about someone new. It represents a challenge for any new relationship, since you are still connected with someone who you had a very intimate connection. For people who are easily tempted, staying in touch could bring a struggle of getting back together. Or jealousy of new partners. My advice would be to make a clean break. If you need to “clear the air,” then do just that. Say or do what you need to feel good about saying goodbye and setting boundaries on communication.
And with all of these types of decisions, be sure to bring them to prayer. God knows your heart, so you don’t need to speak as much as to listen. Try to discern what brings you the most peace, as that is normally where you will find His presence.
Hope that helps and God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
