Dear Michele, I think I was drawn by my emotions. I was really attracted to my date and even though we just met we “made out” more than I really wanted. Now I am mad at myself, asking why I didn’t have more control. I had 3 glasses of beers. Now, I am not sure now if he is really interested in me or if he just liked having a good time. Should I call him or just wait until he contacts me? I am confused now because I want him to initiate any contact.
J
Dear J,
Sounds like you got caught up in the moment. It is easy to do if you’ve been hoping to meet someone and then find yourself very attracted to your date. Maintaining boundaries is a constant, diligent process and not always a successful one. The good news is that it sounds like you realize that you went father than you wanted. Remember, it’s only a mistake if you don’t learn anything from it.
You are right; the 3 beers had something to do with it. Drinking lowers anxiety and makes us feel more comfortable and relaxed. Seems like a good thing when meeting new people, except it also lower our inhibitions and impairs judgment. Not good when out on the first few dates. Beyond just the risk of getting too physical too quickly, you can also miss a lot about the other person when you are both drinking. “Beer goggles” have been proven through research! This means that people are not only more attractive, but you feel more attractive too. All those chemicals floating through the air can be the push that takes you to places you don’t really want to go. At the very least, we have the tendency to “self-entertain” when we are drinking. Which means, you are having a good time because of the buzz, not necessarily because of the company. I saw the quality of my dating improve when I limited myself to one drink. It’s interesting to see how your date will tend to follow your lead in that area.
The other problem with getting involved too quickly is the confusion that you are experiencing. It’s hard to say if he is interested in you, mainly because he most likely didn’t spend a lot of time getting to know you. The person you would be in a long-term relationship most likely has very little to do with the person he met. So, if he doesn’t call back, don’t take it personally. If he was just looking for a good time, then you don’t want to hear from him. Heartache now is much easier than heartache 3 months from now when you have stronger feelings and likely more involved.
I am old school, I admit it, I believe that the woman should wait for the main to pursue. I feel comfortable telling you that because you said that you wanted the same thing! Then, wait for him to make a move. I do know couples where the woman pursued, but she continues to pursue him throughout their marriage. If he’s interested, he will call. You are not submitting yourself or giving up any rights by not calling, you are simply protecting yourself from getting involved with someone who isn’t that interested in you. If you feel like you want to apologize for your behavior and it’s going to drive you crazy, you could send a short note. Just remember, if he responds, you don’t know if it’s out of interest or obligation.
Know that we all have things that we wish we could take back. Our faith has a great way to reconcile ourselves through the sacrament of confession, if you feel that you are called to confess this situation. Know that God accepts you right where you are today, and his grace and mercy is available to you no matter what you do. You can’t screw up God’s plan for you, as long as you are looking for it and staying close to him.
God Bless,
Michele
