Hi Michele,
Against my wishes, I was divorced 28 years ago. I have had a couple of interests over the years, but I have become very jaded about ever finding any “right” lady. I am disappointed when my interests are not returned. I feel as if I am becoming depressed, thinking I have a dog and color TV……….what else do I need? How many efforts and false starts do I have to take before packing it in? Thanks for listening.
Signed,
Giving Up on Dating
Dear Giving Up,
You are expressing the thoughts and emotions that many singles struggle with when they have been dating for years and can’t seem to make a relationship work. What I hear in your letter is that at times you feel very lonely. It’s normal to have those feelings. God created us for relationship and when we don’t have the intimacy with another that we desire, we can feel that something is not right.
It sounds as if you are being called to the single life for now, whatever the reason. And if you are going to be here, then you might as well not be miserable. I’m suggesting a shift into acceptance, rather than “giving up.” Giving up is part of it, but with acceptance you make a decision that you are not going to let being single dictate how you feel about your life. There is certainly a time of grieving what you do not have. Take that time, in whatever way you need to.
I would also encourage you to take your heart and cry out to God. Tell Him of your disappointments, your feelings of rejection, and even your questions of why it’s not working out. You can pray to him, or write to him, or even talk (or yell) out loud. Look for scripture that addresses lamentation and suffering. And then, try to be silent and listen. If you hear His voice, consider writing down what you hear. Time in front of the Blessed Sacrament is very good for this. Let Him minister to you. This means more time with the Lord so He may fill up your loneliness, and so He may answer your longing for intimacy within a closer relationship with Him. From personal experience, I know that growing in intimacy with the Lord can provide incredible healing for the struggle you are going through right now.
And then, think about what you want to do with your life! What interests or hobbies did you have when you were younger? Do you like to draw, or write, or travel, or build things with your hands? Maybe a sport or a particular type of workout? Got a list of those books you’ve never read? In other words, craft your life around your passions. Give your heart to something that brings you joy. And I hope in that list there is room for reaching out to others that need your help. There is SO much work to be done here on earth in order to show others the love of Christ, I would encourage you to find a ministry or volunteer organization where you can give of yourself. In this way, you are giving love and receiving love, in a different way than what you expected at this point in life, but nonetheless within a path of meaning and fulfillment.
And finally, be sure to look within to find out if there is any reason that you may be contributing as to why it’s not working out for you. A trusted mentor, clergy, or counselor may be a good guile for your journey.
I hope this helps, and pray that you may find the intimacy you are longing in a spiritual relationship with our Lord, and when it’s His will, with the mate He has prepared for you.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
