Hi Michele,
Thanks for posting a reply to my e-mail. I appreciate it very much. A lot has happened since I sent my first e-mail to you. Unfortunately, I came across solid evidence that my ex-boyfriend has been maintaining close relationships with two other women (including the one ex-girlfriend that I mentioned in my first e-mail) while dating me. The most disgusting part is that we all attend the same parish!
For myself, I cannot see myself being involved in such a messy situation. I have therefore set a clear boundary with my ex-boyfriend.
My new questions are:
1) Should I continue to attend this parish? Or should I take a break and go to a different parish, at least temporarily?
2) I hope to resume a professional relationship with my ex-boyfriend in the future. Is it even advisable?
I am reading the book “Safe People,” which you have recommended to another subscriber. It is an excellent book!
Best,
Not Back With My Ex (Formally, Should I Get Back with My Ex?)
Dear Not Back With My Ex,
Glad to hear you are enjoying the book. It’s a great resource for people who want to discern a person who is “safe,” meaning a person who is able to be authentic and real in a relationship. And, congratulations on getting out of a relationship that was not safe for you. I know a break can be difficult, even when it’s clear that it’s the right thing to do.
For your first question, if you feel that you are willing to attend another parish, even temporarily, then yes, I would agree that it is a good idea to take a break from seeing both your ex and these other women every week. Consider it as a gift to yourself, allowing yourself the time and space to heal. You can always return at any time that you feel ready. My hope for you is you will more easily feel the comfort of God when you separate yourself from an environment that likely causes you great pain. I know that He is holding you in His arms, wherever you choose to seek Him.
For your second question, professional relationships are still relationships. Is it possible for you to still work in the industry/ministry you choose without being involved directly with your ex? The reason I am not very supportive of working with an ex is because it could cloud your ability to meet someone new. Seeing a person with whom we have had an important attachment, and especially one that ended in a painful way, makes it more difficult to separate and build a new attachment to a potential partner. Is it possible that you still have feelings for your ex? Even with what has happened, it is very normal to still have feelings toward someone we have loved. You can’t just turn off your heart. But, to protect your heart in the future, it’s my opinion that it’s best to make a clean break, as much as possible. As you consider your options, continue to explore why you may have been attracted to a person who is a “player.” The Safe People book will help you look internally and to God to determine if there is anything outside of your awareness that might be attracting you to people who are not authentic. As always, I like to suggest a good Catholic or Christian counselor, or a trusted clergy member or mentor, to be another sounding board for you.
Just know that you are asking the right questions, considering how to care for yourself in the journey of healing from the loss of a relationship and learning how to find a romantic partner that will be a God-centered person of character.
In Christ,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
