Dear Michele,I broke up a while back with my fiancé of 7 years. During this time,
I was unhappy, I could not connect with him, and I even tried to change my behavior to comply with his. I recently met a guy on this site that I feel much closer to, more connected. We are dating and we are happy, but my parents will not accept him. They want me back with my ex. They are pressuring me and it induces a feeling of guilt in me. I would greatly appreciate your advice how I should act in this situation.
Thank You,
Feeling Pressured
Dear Feeling Pressured,
It sounds as if you are clear on what you need and want in a relationship. Making a connection is vital to a sustaining a life-long marriage, as the bond of emotional intimacy is what holds two people together through years of ups and downs. Looking for that connection, and walking away when you didn’t have it, are very healthy steps in the right direction.
I would imagine that family and loyalty are very important to you, also great qualities for a strong marriage. Except now, that sense of loyalty is pulling you to be either true to your family or true to yourself. Before assuming that they do not understand your new relationship, is there something they see in your boyfriend that maybe you do not? Is there any reason they disapprove, other then simply he is not your ex-fiancé? Is it possible that they are concerned that this new relationship may not move towards marriage? I assume there is also pressure for you to marry by a certain age, so it may be they think your finance was the best way to make that deadline.
My suggestion is to read the book “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. It is a sound approach on how to set a property line around which you are in relationship to others. Setting boundaries is not cruel or disloyal, it’s actually biblical. Setting boundaries can also be a very loving thing to do, especially if it reduces tension in the family. I would also suggest approaching the subject with compassion for your parent’s concerns. I’m thinking they may be afraid for you, even if they don’t understand. With that compassion in mind, you can set your boundary with love and not spite.
Choosing your partner is a right you have as an adult, while at the same time taking the risks and responsibilities that come with that choice. It may be that setting this boundary will allow you to claim a new role as an adult in your family. It doesn’t have to be either family or your new boyfriend. You can explain that you love your parents, and their opinion is important to you, but at this point you have made a choice that you are asking them to respect. We are called to honor our mother and father, and you can still give them that respect by being honest, kind, and compassionate while explaining your choice in a partner. You can still be loving towards your parents without sacrificing your own dignity to choose a relationship that fulfills the desires of your heart. And with all things, pray about the words to use and the presence of the Holy Spirit to guide you.
In Christ,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
