Dr. Michele,
My first romance was by far my worst experience, and the woman was a devout Catholic! It seems that she took delight in telling me she was “too busy ” (ha ha ) to see me when she knew well that I was anxious to be with her.
I was truly “madly in love” with her because I was indeed in a state of “madness,” which prevented me from rational thought. Were I not in a state of temporary insanity and capable of lucid thought, I would not have accepted and tolerated her treatment.
Would it not be far better to marry a loving and caring non-Catholic? As I am sure there are indeed such people, since this devout Catholic seemed to only care about herself.
Best Regards,
Disappointed in a Catholic Girlfriend
Dear Disappointed,
I can hear how painful it was for you to be in love with a woman that did not treat you with the dignity that every person deserves. You make a very good point about being “madly” in love.
Researchers have discovered that the endorphins and other neuropeptides that are released in our brain when we fall in love actually do cloud our rational thought. Honestly, the “falling” part is exactly that: falling away from the reality of day to day life and idealizing the other person in a way that is simply not sustainable. Sounds kinda of unromantic, huh? Well, our Lord designed it that way so we would be attracted to each other and stay together long enough to slowly become more authentic, aware, and accepting of our partners flaws (and virtues). In the beginning, we tend to downplay our difference and only focus on our similarities. As we grow together in love, we become more open and honest about who we are, so we can one day feel truly accepted by the other person.
The dangerous part of the “falling” time is when we are attracted to someone that we would not be friends with – always a recipe for heartache. When we start accepting treatment from a date that we would not accept from friends, then it’s a signal that you may have what I like to call “dysfunctional chemistry.” There may be something about that person that draws us in, or the other person may purposely try to be deceptive about who she or he really is. In any case, the desire for a relationship with that person becomes more important than how we are being treated.
The remedy? Be wary, be very wary, of someone that wants to draw us in quickly. If someone is in love and expressing it in grandiose ways on the first few dates, it may be an attempt to draw you in before you can see his or her true nature. Another protective measure: don’t get kidnapped. Don’t get so involved so quickly that you loose connection with friends, family, and your church. You need those eyes and ears from the outside, who know and love you, to help give you back some of that “rational” feedback about your new relationship.
I can also hear how disappointing it is that you had this experience with a devout Catholic. Just because a person claims deep faith, or even appears to have deep faith, does not make that person superhuman. The only superhuman was Christ (100% man and 100% God), and the rest of us will always fall short. If you believe her treatment was more than simply disrespectful, then she may have been dealing with character flaws that are actually bigger that her faith. If a person has not worked on his or her own blind spots, then they may act out of selfishness and pride that has not been addressed. Remember, talking the talk and walking the walk are two different things. I would hope that someone who is devout would live a devout life: chastity, charity, almsgiving, participating in the sacraments, caring for others, and treating everyone with dignity and respect. Being a Catholic and actually living out your faith are two entirely different things. The first is what you believe; the second is what you do with your belief. As James 2:17 tells us, “So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.”
I hope that if you desire to share your life with a Catholic partner that you do not give up hope of sharing your faith with the person you love, and that you will continue to look to God to guide you in your discernment process.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
