Dear Michele, I think I have a problem. I met someone on this site, we exchanged phone numbers and spoke on the phone. Michele, what I was uncomfortable with is that he has a strong accent. He is from another country and knows that his accent is difficult to understand at times. I told him unfortunately, it was difficult communicating with him and I did not think we were a good match.
I felt bad about the circumstances and would have loved to pursue a relationship with him. Michele, was I right to end the conversation or am I not giving myself the deserving opportunity to meet him? We live in different parts of the U.S., and we have different backgrounds, but it was not an issue for me or for him. We are both acting Catholics that attend Mass. Did I give up too soon?
Signed,
Giving Up Too Soon?
Dear Too Soon,
Knowing when to take a chance on someone versus when to cut your losses is always a tricky, and personal, decision. You always have the “right” to your likes and dislikes, and you don’ t have to apologize for them. Each of us may discern differently, but what is important to you in a potential partner is not up for a committee vote. You get to choose.
With that said, you may also end up limiting yourself if your criteria is too strict. I would ask you to examine what it was about his accent made you uncomfortable. Did it make you more self-conscious in some way about what you were saying, or was it simply frustrating talking to someone for the first time and not being able to feel relaxed with an easy flow of conversation? Were there times you were emailing, and if so, how did that go? Do you think that possibly you just weren’t attracted to him? The Magic Dust of chemistry is very hard to quantify – sometimes its there and sometimes its not.
I’m not sure if you are putting pressure on yourself to like a person because you feel you “should,” or if you may have let a potential match slip away. Is either of those a pattern for you? Your situation is common because what we are talking about is the challenge of holding out for what you want, without being too picky. First impressions can be wrong, and then sometimes they are the first indication that it may not be a match. My rule of thumb is to always give someone at least 2 dates, but you have to want to at least want to go on the first date.
It sounds like this situation may be causing some anxiety for you. As always, this would be a good time to spend some quite time in prayer with the Lord. Ask Him to open your eyes to any ways that you may be limiting yourself. Ask Him to show you if you are being too quick to judge. And then try to calm your mind and listen, giving yourself grace to hear what may be uncomfortable. If the thought of trying to reconnect with this person disturbs your peace, then don’t move forward. If you think not contacting him is going to bother you well into next week, then you can always decide at that point to get back in touch. Just be sure that you allow God to have His voice in the process.
If you have a trusted, married friend with a good relationship that you admire, then consider talking to him or her about it. And remember, it’s not an irrevocable decision either way. If you do decide to reach out again, it doesn’t mean you have to purse the relationship.
I hope you find some of this helpful. Your struggle is very common, and I hope your letter has helped others that may be asking themselves the same question, even if the details are a bit different.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
