Dear Michele I am divorced with 2 kids and presently going through the annulment process. My question is, who should come first, my kids or a potential future spouse? I have thought about putting off dating until both kids are 18; however, that is years away and I would really like to find someone to share my life. I believe the spousal relationship is meant to be primary because the children will eventually have lives of their own. However, it certainly will present its challenges in the parenting realm. How does all this work while dating? I wonder if anyone else has this question?
KR
Dear KR,
Dating with children is a very common question, and a very challenging one. Although it’s a very personal decision how to date when you have kids, I can give you some basic guidelines and tell you what research has shown us.
First, let’s consider a marriage. Yes, in a marriage, the spousal relationship is meant to be primary. Not only because the children eventually leave, but because research shows keeping the couple a priority is what keeps marriages together. Each spouse balances many roles (mother, wife, sister, friend), and it’s important that the adult relationships and relationship with God are ultimately maintained when children come into the picture. Within the family, the husband and wife are meant to be unit first, and then together focused on their relationship with their children. This idea is called a “parent-directed child” rather than a “child-directed parent.” Of course, at times the demands of raising children will require that the spouses sacrifice individual or couple time to meet their children’s needs. However, time with each other should never completely disappear. It may mean 15 minutes at the end of the day to reconnect with each other, weekend date nights, or even separate vacations. The logistics are not as important as the structure of the family unit. The way you show love to your spouse will be the most important factor in building your child’s future relationships, more important than anything you can try to tell or teach your child about adult love. The most precious gift any couple can give their children is a strong marriage, built on a commitment of spending time with each other and remembering each other’s needs.
Ok, that all sounds great, but right now you are dating. Your family structure is different. When you are a single parent, you have no choice but to put your kids first. They have lost the stability of being raised within a marriage, and they now need to know that they are not going to loose you too. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t date, because finding a spouse will allow your children to regain the benefits of being raised within a healthy marriage. But for now, your children’s needs will be a priority over your date, especially when balancing your time. When and how does that change? When a dating relationship moves into a marriage commitment. This process should come with discernment and prayer. At that point, your children should have met your partner, and the transition of the two of you becoming one will be a transition for the whole family. A transition that needs to be discussed openly, and one that includes everyone’s needs.
Michele
