Dear Michele,A few months ago, I lost my best friend in a car accident. What made it all the more painful was that I had fallen deeply in love with him. If there was anybody I could have spent the rest of my life with, it would have been him. I never told him how I felt about him out of respect for his relationship with his girlfriend. Fortunately, the pain now has subsided but I still miss him.
My main dream in life was to be a wife and mother. Now, I don’t want to be. I don’t care anymore about relationships. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life used to scare me. Now, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll probably never marry or have a family of my own.
A few months ago, one of my friends asked me out. I declined, saying I had plans for that night and couldn’t make it. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. Call me crazy, but I feel that I’d be betraying my best friend if I were to date somebody else. Everyone else I’ve talked to tells me that it’s silly and that he would want me to find somebody else. I know they’re right. But I still can’t do it. I doubt I can ever love another the way I did for my late friend. It’s that one of a kind love. How can I share my life with one man when my heart belongs with another in the afterlife? I feel that it wouldn’t be fair to any of us.
Signed,
Am I Betraying my Love?
Dear Betraying,
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to be grieving the loss of such an important person in your life. Please know that nothing I’m going to suggest is meant to diminish the reality of that pain.
Within the spirit of helping you move through your grief, I must point out that you may be mourning a relationship that never really existed in the here-and-now. Your friend had a girlfriend and did not know about your feelings for him. So, you never personally experienced him as a romantic partner. The problem is you may be projecting all of your hopes and dreams for the “perfect” relationship onto your friend, and there is no reality to challenge that projection. It’s possible that your fantasies about him do not reflect the reality of what it’s like to be in an authentic relationship. Reciprocity (both partners feeling the same way) is foundational to true love. Without it, you only have the hopes and dreams of one person, not a true relationship.
I know it may be painful to hear, but what you are grieving may simply be your own desires wrapped up into the life of your friend. It’s very normal to feel that you ma y not want to date or marry one day. It is likely that you will never love another man the way you loved your friend, because your love for your friend was never tested by life experiences and the inevitable deficient in character that we all possess. As long as you are able to pine for a relationship that never occurred, you will never be able to compare a real relationship to your fantasy one.
I would suggest examining why you have chosen to give your heart to someone that did not know how you felt. Do you have some real fears of trusting another person? Of commitment? Of being intimate? I’d also explore why you fell in love with someone who is already dating another woman. Did you have hopes that he would one day leave her for you?
I know what I’m suggesting may sound harsh, but please know that there is freedom in the truth, and the closer you get to knowing yourself and exploring your own tendencies, the closer you come to the truth. And the more you are open to actually meeting a person who can become the reality you are so desperately wanting. To help you on this journey of self-exploration, it may be time to work through some of these feelings with a trusted therapist or clergy, while keeping in mind that our Creator knows the plans He has for you. Take your grief, and an open heart for truth, to Him.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
