Dear Michele,
I have been going out with a man for about 5 years. He works overseas and comes back every 2 months so our relationship is mostly email and telephone. I’ve met his relatives, hometown and friends, even though we live about 300 miles from each other. Our time together is not frequent, but it is quality time. He is very attentive to me when we are together.
One time, he got very drunk, and although he was very peaceful, he told me he does not know if he wants to get married. Then the following day when he recovered from his drunkenness, he said was sorry for his behavior and he was just scared about the future and he still loves me. What is your take on this, should I continue or give up the relationship ?
Signed,
Will I Get Married?
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Dear Will I Get Married,
It sounds like the quality of the relationship is not the question; it’s the ability to commit that is the issue. Clearly he cares for you, as he is making huge efforts to see you and you feel that he is attentive to you when you are together. So I don’t think you’re going to find your answer by searching the details of the relationship.
Are You Willing to Potentially Forgo Marriage?
From his viewpoint, there isn’t a question at all: he is not sure he wants to get married. Scared, worried .. whatever the reason, you may date him for 5, 10, or 20 more years and never get married. It does happen, read the post of the women who broke up after more than 10 years of dating. So it’s not a question I need to answer, it’s a question for you:
Are you willing to forgo ever getting married in order to stay with this person? If you choose to keep dating him, be sure not to start pressuring him to marry because it will likely backfire. If you know you want to get married one day, then it’s time you have a conversation about your needs, and your desire to get married. At this point, it’s your responsibility to be authentic and ask if your relationship is headed in that direction. Let him take the time to be sure or not. If the conversation breaks up the relationship, then it was always going to break up the relationship. It just depends on how long you want to date before you break up.
Be With Someone Who is Ready
I will share with you that I was in a similar situation. I was dating a kind, gentle man for some time, and we were in love. However, he told me he wasn’t interested in getting married anytime soon, not for many, many years, and I was already in my mid-30’s. We kissed goodbye and told each other we loved each other the night we broke up. I was heartbroken, but didn’t want to wait that long. No more then 2 months later, I met my husband and we were married the following year. If you want to meet someone who is ready to get married, then you can’t be dating someone who isn’t ready.
Hope that helps!
Michele Fleming, M.A.
