Dear Michele,I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I recently met my girlfriend’s family, and I simply don’t like them. Her parents talk to each other with very little respect. Her two sisters argue constantly, and her brother seemed to be trying to ask me if we were sleeping together, but in a way that said he approved! They were loud and intrusive. I’m an only child, but before you blame that, I must say my parents made sure I was exposed to lots of different kids and diverse situations. We’ve been going out for about 2 months, her family lives about an hour away. Should I keep seeing her? What should I tell her?
Signed,
What Now?
Dear What Now?
Well, that’s a tough one. It sounds like her family of origin is very different from yours in the way they communicate with each other. How is the communication style between the two of you? I’m assuming everything seems good, it’s only been 2 months, and a more permanent style likely has not established itself yet. If you already see problems in how the two of you interact, then it don’t have to wonder too much what she grew up learning about how to treat loved ones.
But, that certainly doesn’t mean they are not “loved ones.” Meaning, her family may be closer and more connected then a family that is polite but distant from each other. The way they show love may be very different from what you grew up with, but it doesn’t mean it’s not love. If her parents have been married for many years, it’s possible they have fallen into an unhealthy pattern of interacting, but may not have spent the early part of their marriage acting the same way. It’s hard to tell.
What to do now? Well, if you liked her enough to meet her family, then you should like her enough to talk to her about it. “I don’t like your family,” is not the opening I would suggest. Think of a gentle and kind way to ask questions about her experience, more than explaining what you see and how you disapprove. She may not be happy with some of the same things you are not happy with when it comes to her family. Remember, we don’t get to choose them. We’ve all heard the joke that our friends are God’s way of apologizing for our family. That’s not true for everyone, but there are some of us out there smiling at the irony.
What’s most important is that you talk about your own expectations of a marriage and family life. If not all at once now, then certainly soon (since it’s only been 2 months). If you think there is a chance you could get serious with this girl later, start having the serious conversations now. Slowly. And see how the two of you do. Can you both listen without judgement? Can you be authentic about your thoughts and feelings? Are you open to the idea that you can craft your own vision of marriage, but at the same time must remain flexible to her vision too? If so, you’re on the road to finding out if this relationship could work for you. If not, then you know now the future holds something that you don’t want, and the sooner you know the better!
Remember that each person is on their own journey of personal and spiritual maturity. Walk gently, be sure not to insult or condemn her family. We are called to treat every person with the dignity instilled by his or her creation, even if we don’t like them or don’t agree with their lifestyle or relationship choices.
Hope that helps!
Michele Fleming, M.A.
