Dear Michele,I am 41 yrs old, I have had a few significant relationships in my life. In terms of this site, I am not sure whether I should post a picture of myself. My appearance makes me look like I am high maintance, but, I am not. I am slender and like to dress up. Some guys look at me and based on my appearance they think I would be high maintance or they think I probably already have a boyfriend, so they will not bother to approach me. One side of the argument is not to put up a picture, because any guy that looks at it will think he doesn’t have a chance, the other side of the argument is that a man who is confident will not let my appearance get in his way. What do you think?
Signed,
Should I Post a Picture?
Dear Should I Post,
Wow, there’s a lot there, you have a lot of assumptions about what your appearance evokes in others. I am going to assume that you have received the direct feedback that you look high maintenance or you look somehow “unapproachable.” I don’t know if you’ve heard this from friends, relatives, females, or males .. or even past dates. To me, it’s a huge assumption to know what another person, who you don’t know, will think of you based on a picture. I want to leave space for the truth that impressions, and impressions of beauty, or attractiveness, or availability, are subjective. So even my comments here are just one point of view.
Whether or not you post a picture isn’t the biggest issue. Research on the site shows that people who post pictures get better responses. So, posting is in your best interest. My main concern is you think that posting may actually turn men away. There is nothing wrong with being the best dressed person in the room, especially if you have the confidence to back it up. Now, if you are pushing the higher limits of being “well-groomed” because you are afraid if someone saw you with a hair or handbag out of place her or she may know how truly un-put-together you are, then that’s another story.
So in terms of posting, if you have one picture that looks professional or what you would consider high maintenance, then be sure to post others where you are relaxed, underdressed, and simply having fun. Do you think that once someone meets you that you may come across as intimidating? Or is there any part of you that is actually “high maintenance,” whatever that means for you? If so, I would encourage you to look at that part of yourself. Do you lack compassion, or empathy? Do you tend to focus mainly on yourself or your own problems/accomplishments in conversation? Do you ask your dates questions about themselves and then take the time to listen? How you are with others is just as important as how you look. Why do you think you look like you already have a boyfriend? Is there a part of you that wants to give off that vibe, maybe covering up insecurity about being single?
Smart, successful, ambitious, and beautiful women many times are labeled as “intimidating” or “high maintenance,” at least to the men who can’t handle them. After some self-reflection, consider bringing your question to our Lord. He designed you to be the way you are, and He doesn’t make mistakes. My mom used to tell me to lie to my dates about what I did for a living (at the time I was managing an international sales team), just because it might scare men off. I was insulted! I never lied about what I did, but I did consciously try not to talk too much about my work, unless a date asked. What I found is the right man, who eventually became my husband, was attracted to the complete picture of who I was: feminine, driven, opinionated, but also vulnerable and compassionate. I encourage you to be comfortable expressing all the different sides of your personality, both in your profile and in your dates. The more you are comfortable with all the different parts of who you are, the more others will be too. And if you still get the feedback that you look a certain way, just challenge that person to get to know you!
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
