Dear Michele,I received an email from a 57 year old (on another site) who asked to chat. In one of his pictures he wasn’t wearing a shirt to showoff his physique (is how I take it)… I found this unflattering. The shirtless tactic was a turnoff to me. How would I mention that to him, or should I respond at all?
What are your thoughts on this? Thank you.
Signed,
Shirtless?
Dear Shirtless,
A very interesting question. Let’s start with a few assumptions, like his motivation. Yes, he may have not been wearing a shirt to show off his physique, very likely actually. But, at the same time, he could simply be unaware of the stimulus value of sending a picture like that to someone he doesn’t know very well. “Unaware” is a very nice way to say “clueless.” If we want to give him the benefit of the doubt, he simply may not know better. I don’t know how long he’s been dating, or if he’s recently back in the dating pool, or even if one of his buddies told him it was a good idea. If we don’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt, then he was sending it to you to try to impress you. This may be because he is insecure in other areas of his life. Or, it may be that he is very secure, specifically in his physicality. So, we can’t really assume on that one. Either way, the shirtless tactic does have some pretty strong sexual overtones, so I can understand why it would be a turnoff. I guess the positive view is that it shows he likes you and want to impress you. The negative view is that he seems to be focused on drawing attention to his sexual attractiveness.
Ok, now what to do. That depends totally on if you want to pursue any further communication with him. If you don’t, then you can simply stop chatting with him. You have the option to “pay it forward” in the dating universe and tell him you found the shirtless picture to be inappropriate and do not wish to communication any further. Straightforward and to the point, stating your preference without being too judgmental. He may get the picture (pun intended) and not do it again. But, he’s not likely to ponder it very deeply. If you do want to continue communicating with him, then the conversation may need to tap into what the shirtless picture meant to you. Why was it a turnoff? You want to be clear and precise in your explanation. The picture may be in indication of his intentions, or views on sexuality within dating relationships, which would be a completely appropriate conversation to have. You’d have to be able to talk about your beliefs, and then give him an opportunity to explore and articulate his.
I hope you find this helpful, and hopefully on this site you may be able to meet someone that shares your values. In fact, these sort of situations is the reason the founder started this site.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
