Hi Michele,
I am feeling disheartened tonight. I am in my mid-forties and I have not yet found my special someone. I have been praying over 10 years to meet him. I have had dates but nothing seems to work out. Recently I went out with a guy that I liked, but he said his old girlfriend had returned to him and he wanted to continue dating her.
I am trying to hold on to faith, but it is getting much more difficult. I try to fight feeling that “something must be wrong with me”. My friends tell me that nothing is wrong with me. I find it hard to attend weddings anymore. I am often tempted with the feeling that I have been forgotten by God.
Sometimes the pain is so great that I feel despairing. When I see people younger than myself find their spouse, the deep pain flairs again. It is even hard to pray at times. I want to hold on to hope……but find it so difficult as more time passes. Can you please help me find foothold for faith / hope or providing any other helpful thoughts would be appreciated.
Signed,
Losing Faith
Dear Losing Faith,
I can hear how much pain you are in. I have felt the deep angst of being single much longer than I ever imagined. Thank you for being so honest, many times people do not want to share negative thoughts and feelings when they are struggling, especially when it comes to feeling abandoned by God. I can see that you are troubled by envy and fear, and I can completely understand why you would be feeling this way. Please know that you are not alone.
Your question drives at the core of our life on this side of heaven. It is a cornerstone of faith. Why does God allow suffering? Why am I suffering? Did I do something to deserve this? Where are Christ’s promises? The question has been pondered by great theologians, novelists, and popes. John the Baptist asked the same question when Jesus did not come to him in prison. John’s life was not spared, his suffering was not relieved.
I will not pretend that there is an “answer” to such a significant question. But I will acknowledge that even the great saints have cried out to God with the same voice. You may consider reading Mother Teresa’s journal, or Salvifici Doloris (“on the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering) by Pope John Paul II, or The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. Look at scripture and read Lamentations. Each of us is handed a path of suffering, and for some reason this is your path now. We don’t know if it’s going to be for a season or a lifetime, all we know is that your faith is being tested.
So let me present you with a thought that really helped me find peace while remaining completely date-less. If God could send his angel and tell you exactly when you were going to meet your husband, would your pain be resolved? I can imagine it would; you would be able to relax and enjoy your single years with the secure knowledge that one day you will be married. However, that would not be trust. And God asks us to trust.
So instead, I will ask you to imagine that God has sent an angel to you to tell you that you will never get married. I know that sounds harsh, scary, and like an enormous injustice. But, you likely have at least another 40-something years to live. Will you choose to continue suffering all that time? Or, would you be able to come to some sort of peace and start living your life in a different way, one full of hope for different blessings. There may be a period of intense loss and grief at the possibility of never getting married, I believe you are mourning that potential loss now, but the redemption can come in knowing you will still be fulfilled in this life.
I am going to suggest you move into the trust of the second scenario. What part of it involves trust? You must trust that God wants you to live abundantly, even if you never get married. You must trust that He has a calling on your life, even if He asks you to remain single. What is it that you want to do? What other parts of yourself can be expressed? Is there a ministry where you can serve? Do you want to go back to school, change careers, move, learn a new sport or hobby, or rescue a Labrador? Do you want children to be a part of your life in some way? There are many ways to serve, and in return be again filled with hope.
I don’t know what your other dreams may be, but I’m sure you have them. Tap into them. Start pursuing them. Don’t let the music of your dreams die inside of you. You start dying when you stop dreaming, and you are much too young to start dying. Allow getting married to be just one dream, but not the only one. Allow God to bless you in other ways.
I in no way want to suggest that your struggle is easy. But it can be fruitful. Hope and faith can transform despair. My prayer is you will find the path for the Holy Spirit to move in your life in other ways.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
