HI Michele,I must start this off by saying that I have been lucky enough to love deeply in this lifetime. However, that was cut short when my husband passed away. I was devastated and am still grieving his passing.
I am a widow at 50 years old. I miss companionship from the opposite sex and feel lonely most of the time. I never feel alone, but being lonely is different. I am surrounded by an amazing family and a great support group of friends. I just started socializing again in the past couple of months, but I still have a heavy heart.
My church bulletin advertised Catholic Singles dating site and I was intrigued. I signed up and a couple of guys emailed me. Anyway, with one guy we emailed back and forth for almost a week and exchanged numbers and began texting. I had a blast….we were so compatible on paper. He wrote the most beautiful and heartfelt emails and then he professed his love for me on day 4. In the meantime, although I was flattered, I was leery about falling in love with someone who you have never seen or talked to. He insisted he did, but I was still doubtful and to me, it seemed sketchy. I was annoyed (and I told him) by the fact that some of his emails were “cut and pasted” from love poems on the internet. I asked him to just write emails from his heart to keep it honest, but he said he did that because the lines in the poem were in line with his feelings for me. Long story short, I told him I could not continue chatting if he did this, plus he was in love with the ideal, not me…..he was in love with love. He asked me to think about it and I said I already did and decided to move on.
Was I too harsh? I would rather start off a friendship first before involving my heart. Is this was online dating is really about?
Signed,
Is THIS online dating?
Dear Is THIS online dating,
The short of the story: no. You were not too harsh, this is not what online dating is really about. In general, online dating, or any other type of dating, progresses at a rate comparable to how long you have known the person. Do people fall in love at first sight? Yes, it does happen. Does it tend to last? The odds are against you, but I’m sure everyone has at least one story of the exception. The challenge with online dating that it’s not even love at first “sight,” more of love at first “write.” As you said, there are multiple problems with falling in love with someone on paper. I’ve addressed the issue in previous posts, and you nailed it. He is likely in love with the idea of you, or in love with love.
My husband says he knew he was going to marry me the night he met me. Did he tell that to me when we first met? No, because he knew I would have run in the other direction. Did he tell me that after several months of dating? No, still too early, at least for me. What did he do? He called and set dates consistently, he never seemed pushy or in a hurry. He respected my boundaries and he waited until the “ideal” wore off and he got to know the real me. Remember, there is always enough time to meet and get to know the right person.
I sense you are looking for someone who wants to get to know the real you. You listened to your intuition and you’ve set a healthy boundary; two things that will keep you safe from being pulled into relationships too quickly. Online dating is a great way to cast a wide net towards men who share your faith, but at times you have to take steps slowly to make sure you also get to know the “real” other person.
I want to say that I am sorry for your loss, and to gently suggest that if your heart is still heavy that you may need some more time to grieve. Everyone longs for companionship, so starting out truly as friends (not “dates”) as you suggested would be a good way to start. In general, dating out of loneliness can be dangerous because you may move closer and faster towards someone simply to relieve the pain. This may have been happening in your recent exchanges? If you can continue to step through the pain on your own, while you remain “unattached,” you may make a healthier choice in the future.
I hope you find this helpful.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
