Dear MicheleI am divorced with 2 kids and presently going through the annulment process. I am at a loss in an area and could use some clarification. When I was married I made the mistake of putting my children first instead of my spouse. Now I realize my mistake. As I begin to date a man either with kids or without, should it get to the point of marriage, I do not know if I will be able to put my spouse first. My children will be looking for me to put them first. I have gone through a lot of soul searching and why I feel the way I do about things. I have come to the conclusion that this was how I was raised, by two parents that should not have been married in the first place. I have done a lot of work on the feelings I have in this area but am sure it will be awhile as things tend to come up.
I guess I am writing this because I am not 100% sure of who I should put first and need a sanity check. I have thought about putting off dating until both kids are 18 and then its a non-issue in many ways; however, that is 10 years away and I would really like to find someone to share my life. Perhaps in writing this, I have answered my own question. The spousal relationship is primary no matter what because the children will eventually have lives of their own. However, it certainly will present its challenges in the parenting realm. I wonder if anyone else has this question?
Signed,
Dating with Kids: Who Comes First?
Dear Dating with Kids,
I am glad to hear that you are thinking about this issue and working through your feelings. It is SO much better than being unaware and then repeating mistakes, or finding yourself in a situation where you are unintentionally hurting others. I am also glad to hear you are going through the annulment process and want to encourage you to continue to delay dating until you are officially no longer married in the eyes of the church.
You recognize that your problem would be solved if you waited until the kids were 18, but at the same time your heart desires to have a partner. Our Maker designed both parenting and marriage in our heart, both are worthy and blessed in their efforts to love and sacrifice for others. So, which one comes first? It’s a difficult question that changes over time.
I can’t imagine a home with young children (infants and toddlers) where their needs do not come first. In fact, that is why the early years of child rearing show the highest percentages of divorce. Because of the amount of care needed, and because of the developmental challenges of those ages, I would suggest that it is natural that young children’s needs come first. Not across the board, not when they are making unreasonable demands, but the needs involving security, a sense of self, a sense of mastery, and of course food, water, sleep, and play.
But as our children become older and learn the concepts of delayed satisfaction, perseverance, and other character traits, then it’s okay if certain needs are not immediately met. However, I must tell you my bias against the concept that a spouse will not leave you but children do so children should come second: it’s not your children’s job to show you the type of love and devotion of a spouse. I do not believe they should come second just because one day their will launch their own lives. At the same time, a parent should not be looking for their children to meet needs that should be met by a spouse, such as a level of intimate companionship or support that is meant to be filled by another adult. But, while living in our homes, our children first must experience what it means to be treasured, cherished, honored, and consistently soothed by another, only then can they internalize these functions for themselves. As children, even adolescents and teenagers, they still need you (of course in different ways). Your children will need your guidance, advice, support, encouragement, and at times their own space as they grow into adults. The idea is to balance those needs with your spouse, who is supposed to be more mature then the children as the other adult in the house, and thus more able to delay his needs for the needs of the children when appropriate.
My belief is that couples need time to themselves, to strengthen their own bond, even when there are young children. Choices must be made to keep the marriage healthy. It may be the decision was made too frequently to not take care of the marriage in your past. But it’s not a black and white, all or nothing circumstance. Couples, at times, choose at times to put the needs of their children first. This does not mean the children run the house. Real life consequences and logical discipline with love at required so the children learn how to function first as a member of a family, and then as a member of society.
In a blended family, you will be faced with an extra challenge of the children needing to know that they have not been lost in the new relationship, while at the same time honoring your marriage vows. While dating only, before marriage, it makes sense your children would continue to be first. My suggestion would be that anyone you become close to understands your love and devotion to your children, and you discuss at length your expectations for everyone living together. It’s a personal decision, a personal style. If you tell me your children are coming first, my response would be “yes, of course, at certain times.” And if you tell me your spouse is coming first, I would say, “yes, of course.” It’s all in the need, the timing, the frequency, and what the couple agrees works for their own family.
I hope that helps!
Michele Fleming, M.A.
