Dear Michele,
My boyfriend of over 20 years has left me for another woman.
It has been very hard for me as I did not see any signs of his infidelity. I have tried twice to get him to consider giving our relationship a second chance but he is not interested. I realize he would rather be with her than with me.
He emailed me to say that he is sorry that this did not work out, and he wants me to know that he is not having a blast. He told me he is crying frequently and getting sick. But he says that he never told me that he was depressed and unhappy to go home to an empty house when I did not agree to move in with him.
He did not tell me that for many years because he did not want to hurt me or impede my plans and endeavors. This confuses me all the more.
I am totally confused and rejected. We have had so many years together and yet he would not even want to work this out. There seems to be no end to my crying and I am feeling very helpless. I have turned to prayers, friends, priests, nuns, and counselors to help me process and move on. But being human I want him back badly but there seems to be no hope.
I know I need to allow the heart to know that the relationship is over but my mind is in daily struggle. How do I deal with this conflict and confusion?
Thank you,
Can I Get Past This?
Allow Yourself Leeway to Grieve
Dear Can I Get Past This,
Yes. Yes, you can get past this.
I agree with you; there seems to be no hope of getting back with him. But there is hope in our Lord, and in knowing you can heal from this betrayal. It will likely take longer than you want it to, as you must journey through the grief and pain.
Give yourself time to mourn; it is what you need right now. You have suffered a great loss and betrayal. Relationships that end in this way are many times even harder to understand. You may never get all the answers, but we can try to address some of the confusion.
Some of your Partner’s Things Are Not Yours
Your boyfriend is sending you very mixed signals. To be with another woman and then indicate to you that he is still unhappy is manipulative and unfair. He sounds confused, and honestly a bit selfish. He wants both the new relationship with her, but the support of the old relationship with you.
He may have thought changing relationships would cure his depression, and this is likely not going to happen. If he is truly depressed, then overcoming it is a journey he must take on his own. Looking for someone else to fix it is going to end in disappointment and potentially deeper depression.
To tell you that he was depressed because you would not move in with him sounds like a guilt trip, and likely a re-writing of your history together. You are not to blame for his depression. If you had moved in, he would be blaming something or someone else, and you may still be where you are today but now without a place to live!
So, I have to wonder, why didn’t he ask you to marry him if he wanted and needed you so badly? At the same time, why were you willing to keep dating someone for this many years without the promise of a permanent commitment? Answering those two questions may help you down the path of understanding.
Moving On with Faith, Hope, and Love
I don’t like the phrase “time heals all wounds,” because people sometimes choose to hold onto their wounds for years. But we know life as a Catholic, as a believer, is different. We know that we have a Supernatural Healer waiting to rush to our aid. You are not helpless.
You are helping yourself right now by reaching out to your support network and writing about your pain. You are calling on the power that raised Jesus from the dead to be with you now. You have a Counselor, a Prince of Peace, that is standing beside you.
You are surrounded by the power of the Holy Spirit. If He is for us, who can be against us? You will come to the other side of this, very likely as a stronger, wiser woman, with a heart full of hope and faith.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
This post first appeared August 8, 2013.
