It can happen to anyone. You meet someone, click with them, and begin imagining how perfect the two of you would be together. You’ve got a crush.
But then you realize that being with this seemingly amazing person is impossible.
The reality is that it’s easy to feel emotionally attached to someone who just won’t work for us.
Perhaps it happens because of some idealistically romantic notions on our part. Or maybe we can chalk it all up to original sin and our fallen world. Either way, it’s obvious that not every crush we develop is one that can turn into an eventual marriage.
Sometimes, the person isn’t right for us because of factors like their incompatibility with our lives of virtue and faith. Other times, it might be that they are straight-up unavailable. They may be married, about to enter the seminary or convent, or seriously dating a friend of ours. The possibilities are endless.
It might be obvious that the person you like is not someone you cannot remain hung up on. But stopping the attachment is usually not so simple as merely willing it to end.
So here are three things to try to start the process of moving on from the feelings you might have toward someone who is definitely not right for you.
1. Refocus your mind and energy
It won’t be so simple as a snap of the fingers, but that doesn’t mean that any efforts to put your mind elsewhere will be futile.
The trick is to be deliberate about it. If the unavailable person is someone you know from work, put effort into developing a deeper life outside your work. Take a class, start a new hobby, reconnect with old friends – anything to help occupy your mind with things that have nothing to do with your crush.
Maybe the person you like is someone you’re acquainted with from some social circle or activity. Try focusing in on your job, attempt to make some friends in new places, or maybe spend extra time with your family members.
None of these things will instantly solve your dilemma, but giving yourself some distractions can help you start to free your emotions.
2. Make use of prayer
Obviously, prayer helps in all our struggles. This struggle is no exception.
There are a few particular steps, though, that you can take in your prayer life to help with this process of moving on and healing.
Begin by asking. God knows what we need before we ask it, but he still wants us to ask. Ask him particularly for help and grace to surrender and to have faith in his plan for you.
Make use of the sacraments. Frequent reception of the Eucharist gives you a grace and strength like no other. I know from experience that sometimes when we feel like we just can’t carry on, the grace of the Eucharist can do amazing things.
Regular confession is important, too, particularly if we’re struggling with things like envy and jealousy of the person our crush is with. Confessing this sin will help us gain the grace to avoid it from here on out.
Another way a strong prayer life can help here is to try meditating upon Christ’s loneliness and rejection. It can often feel like things are terribly bleak when we realize the person we long for can never be with us. Remembering that Christ, too, felt alone can be a great comfort and help.
3. Take concrete steps in your love life
Even if it feels emotionally like this person should have been your one and only, their unavailability means that this isn’t true. If that’s the case, then this means that your future spouse is still out there.
It can hurt to move on from strong feelings for someone. But try to focus your thoughts on that future spouse out there and take concrete steps to start searching for him or her.
Whether that means making use of online dating, attending more social activities where there will be other eligible singles, or accepting a friend’s offer to set you up with someone, just make sure to try something.
The longer you sit in mourning for the love that feels like it could have been, the longer you are missing out on the love that God has planned for you.
Seize the day, live life to the fullest, and all those other platitudes (clichés are said so often for a reason, after all – because they’re typically pretty on the money!). Ask God for the grace to get you through what could be an awkward or painful first date after that last crush.
Waiting for that unavailable person to magically become less wonderful to us – or worse, hoping unreasonably for them to become available – will not help us feel better.
But taking concrete steps to find your future spouse very well might.
