Dear Michele: Dealing with Betrayal

Dear Michele, My boyfriend has left me for another woman. It has been very hard for me, as I did not see any visible signs of his infidelity. I am totally confused and rejected. We had 21 years together and yet he does not want to work this out. There seems to be no end to my crying and I am feeling very helpless. I have turned to prayers, friends, priests, nuns and counselors to help me process and move on. But being human I want him back badly. I know I need to allow my heart to know that the relationship is over but my mind is in daily struggle. How do I deal with this conflict and confusion? Thank you.
M

Dear M,
Let me first say how sorry I am that you are in such pain. Dealing with betrayal is extremely painful. It cuts at the heart of our belief about the other person, the relationship, and even our own self. You are dealing with grief from the “death” of the relationship and your future. You may even be questioning everything about the past, trying to determine what was “real.” You may have trouble eating, sleeping, and concentrating. Be assured that these thoughts and feelings are very normal. If at any time you feel overwhelmed to the point that you would consider harming yourself or someone else, be sure to immediately call for professional help.
It sounds like you have reached out to a very supportive network. As you have found, at some point you just have to move through it. You are living the reality that experiencing emotional pain is part of our humanness, a part that Christ himself felt. The betrayal of his closest Apostles who loved and followed him caused him great anguish. You can know that our Lord understands your pain and you may enjoin your heart to His in your struggle. As you may have found, attempts to avoid your internal pain sometimes make it worse and is likely very futile. Try moving toward acceptance of the pain. It is normal that you would feel great pain at such a significant loss. You may need to give yourself permission to just feel whatever you are feeling. Try looking into spiritual readings on the meaning of suffering. John Paul II and C.S. Lewis both have some great insights in this area.
As far as your thoughts, try this exercise. Try to see your thoughts as simply your mind attempting to make sense of your experience. You can notice the thought as a thought, not necessarily as being truth for now or for the future. For instance, you can observe “I am having the thought that I will always be alone” versus “I will always be alone.” You may want to write down all these thoughts, just get them out of your head and on the paper, and then say a prayer as you shred or burn the paper. And then, talk gently to yourself. You have experienced a great injustice, a great evil. You deserve some healing time. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself. It can be time with friends, going on a retreat, cleaning out closets, getting a massage – whatever you need to care and nurture yourself right now. Even if you don’t “feel” like it, go through the motions of showing yourself that you are valuable and you are loved.
I will leave the clichés and the advice that this was “all God’s plan” to your other sources. I never found those helped me when I was in the middle of it. I can say that there is life after a betrayal, as you deserve someone who can openly communicate his needs and maintain the integrity of a relationship. That is part of God’s plan for each of us. Until then, know that you are in pain because you greatly value an honest, committed relationship – and that is a beautiful thing. Hold tight to your desire for something better, as that is the part of your heart that maintains hope. I can tell you it’s out there because others hold out for that same hope.
Michele