Dear Michele,Ok .. trying to put this in a nutshell. I would like to meet someone who is sincere and trustworthy … seems I always meet the wrong ones. I think I use school as a way to keep myself out of relationships. I entered college at age 13 and have never stopped going to school (I have a doctorate now). Because I have been betrayed by several individuals in the past I believe I have trust issues. How can one develop clear relationship boundaries without coming across as a nut case? What do those boundaries consist of and how do you relate them to a new person? Are there any good men out there … I’m beginning to doubt that there are.
Signed,
Boundaries or Nut case?
Dear Boundaries or Nut case,
Well, for starters, it is good you are aware you may have used school as a way to be unavailable for relationships. Let’s start with looking at the obvious question, why? Is there something about relationships that frightens you? I would suggest that whatever this issue is, it was here long before you were involved with people who betrayed you. Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy? Well, it is. Unfortunately, that is how our attraction to others works sometimes.
If there has been an experience in your past, let’s say from your family of origin, where relationships were painful (either too close and intruding, or too distance and rejecting, or watching parents play roles in an unhealthy relationship), then you may have absorbed those expectations. And now, as an adult, you may be attracted to those people that would allow you to “replay” those scenarios, with the hope of a different outcome. However many times, the outcome is the same, but this time with adult consequences.
So, it would make sense you may have “trust issues.” This could mean intimacy issues, abandonment issues, commitment issues, fear-of-being-trapped issues, etc. It’s hard to say exactly. But it also sounds like you are aware that setting boundaries would be helpful for you. What exactly are boundaries? Boundaries are a property line around your heart, mind, and body. They state what is allowed “in,” and what is kept out. They also define where you start and stop, and where the other person stops and starts. What does that mean? It means not dating someone you wouldn’t be friends with. What do you expect from friends? Things like setting plans and keeping them, returning calls when you say you are going to, talking about conflicts when they come up, spending quality time together, supporting each other, making plans together to celebrate important milestones, exchanging gifts and words of encouragement, not “using” each other for anything like money, prestige .. the list goes on. Expect no less of a date, including physical/sexual boundaries. You likely do not tolerate lying from anyone who is going to remain a friend. Don’t put up with behavior from a date that you would not from a friend. This doesn’t make you a nut case, it makes you a person with a well-formed sense of self.
How do you relate boundaries to a new person? You don’t have to talk about every detail of the interpersonal boundaries – your behavior will show what you are expecting. Don’t drop your plans at the last moment if your date didn’t think of spending time with you earlier. Don’t accept lame excuses. Don’t accept inappropriate or rude behavior, to you or anyone that your date interacts with. Don’t be so available that you give up your others interests and hobbies. Don ‘t lie about what you like or don’t like, or believe or don’t believe, just to get along. Be authentic. When it comes to sexual boundaries – be clear. Both in what you say and what you do. If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t engage in behaviors that are foreplay to sex. Don’t send mixed messages.
I can assure you there are good men out there. I am going to a friend’s wedding in April, first marriage for both, and she will be 53. The way to find a good catch is to be a good catch. Meaning, if you are looking for someone who is trustworthy, be trustworthy in ALL your interactions. If you are looking for someone who is authentic, then be authentic in your friendships, your family, etc. If you are looking for someone of character, then practice great character. Where can you work on these things? Two places – your relationship with God, and with a trusted mentor, clergy, or therapist.
To practice commitment, you can commit your life (again) to Christ. To practice fidelity, you can integrate the beliefs of the Church into your life (chastity, modesty, stewardship, compassion for others, etc). To practice being authentic, bring all of your questions, concerns, complaints, and compliments to Him. To practice intimacy, spend quality time with Him. Put it on your calendar. Don’t let anything else get in the way. This could be prayer, going to Mass, adoration, meditation, serving the poor, etc. Build your relationship with God the Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit in the same way you desire to build a relationship with a spouse. And then, set a boundary around this relationship, so that no person, be it date, friend, or family, can change or harm it. Not only does He promise peace beyond understanding, it is a biblical principle that those of the Light will be attracted to the Light. The more of the Light of Christ that is in you, others of the Light will be able to find you. And those of the darkness? Hopefully they will go running away (even if they “look” like the perfect match for you).
Thank you for your heartfelt and honest question. When I had tried all other avenues, I developed my relationship with Christ the same way I am suggesting you can. And I found peace, even though I was still very single. When I came to the place my relationship with God was my most important relationship, more important than looking for a spouse, my longing and loneliness abated. In His timing, God sent me the man that would become my husband, someone who said he was waiting his whole life to meet a woman who was willing to put her faith above everything else. If there was one, there must be other men out there like that too (actually, I know there is). My prayer for you is that you will find peace as you wait to be prepared for the gift God has in store for you.
In Christ,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
