Dear Michele,
I am torn. In the spirit of Christmas, I want to contact my ex to say “Merry Christmas.” I do hope all is well with her. We split about 6 months ago, although it was not on mutual terms. She indicated that she did not see me as a potential marriage partner. We discussed staying friends but it really didn’t happen. In the spirit of staying friends, should I get back in touch?
Signed,
Should I Contact My Ex?
Dear Should I Contact My Ex,
Christmas can be a difficult time if we have lost an important relationship this past year. It’s meant to be a time of peace and joy, but for many it can be a time of sadness and pain. Our own families are not always the substitute we are longing for when we want to give our hearts to a romantic partner.
It sounds like the two of your broke up for a very good reason. If you desire marriage, and the person you are seeing knows they don’t want to marry you, then it is truly the loving thing to do to split up. It sounds like staying friends did not occur naturally, so my instinct is that Christmas may not be the right time to try to start up new communication. And honestly, I’m not a fan of the “let’s stay friends” line. I think it only works well if the two of you had no more than 3 dates and never had any physical contact. From your letter, it sounds like your heart was very involved. This would make it confusing and dangerous for any potential dating partner in the future if you maintain a friendship with her.
Now, can men and women be just friends? Yes, of course. I have a great male friend who I met while I was single. We both attended each other’s weddings, and he has been an incredible spiritual partner and friend. What does “friend” mean? It means we talked about who we were dating, what do to in certain romantic situations, we were excited to introduce our dates to each other, and celebrate our engagements together. Is that the type of friendship you want with your ex? I’m thinking it would be much too painful for you, and likely unhealthy for you both.
I know your heart is longing for her, and it’s likely Christmas has opened up that pain for you. My advice is that contacting her again now would only, in the long term, possibly make it worse. If she has had a change of heart about your relationship, then it would be on her initiative to contact you.
Hope that doesn’t sound too harsh. I pray that concentrating on the joy of our Savior’s birth you may be spared pain. Remember, he humbled himself and became man so that he may join us in our human suffering. He knew loss and ache in His heart of being left by those he trusted. You may try meditating on what it means to bring your suffering to Him, in order to make your joy in the gift of His life complete.
God Bless,
Michele Fleming, M.A.
